Open Your Eyes
by AlmayCorazon
Summary: A/N: A journey of madness, sorrow, love and all that falls in between.
1. Save The Night

_**A/N: Plot Bunny that attacked me upon hearing the John Legend album. It's amazing :) Anyway...just a one shot for now...(I think)**_

* * *

**Save The Night (John Legend)**

* * *

I sat on the train back to New York after leaving Lima behind and allowed myself to break down.

There was this immense amount of pride that I held for Britt...she had done this without me or Sam or anyone else.

I knew that she would get to MIT and do great things!

We didn't make any promises for visits or Skype calls because that would just negate the purpose of us going off to find ourselves separately.

I wanted that for her, even if it hurt like hell.

* * *

**_R u ok?-Britt Britt_**

I looked down at the text message and despite my desire to answer it, I just tucked my phone into my dress pocket and then closed my eyes.

The tears were still coming as we approached New York, leaving me feeling swollen and gross.

_"How did you do this?" _I said as I turned towards Kurt, who had quietly let me cry for the entire ride back home.

His eyes were bloodshot as he looked at me with a watery smile.

_"It hurts like hell but after nearly losing my dad, I have taken to looking at the big picture. If its meant to be...then nothing will change that."_

_"I want to believe that but its..."_ I trailed off, at a loss for words. I turned from him as I wiped at another round of tears_, "Fuck...why is this so hard?" _I groaned and he just wrapped his arm around me and pulled me closer.

_"Because you love her and you regret how it ended."_

I nodded and then sucked back the snot that was beginning to drip from my nose.

He scrunched up his nose and handed me his purple handkerchief.

_"Thanks."_ I whispered.

* * *

That was almost five weeks ago, me blubbering over Britt and it had lasted for four days until I was forced out of the apartment by Rachel and Kurt.

I wanted to believe that there was some greater picture...that maybe there would be a future for me and Britt but I needed to take my own advice.

We needed to grow up and find who we were.

She didn't need me to cramp her style and I needed this time to be selfish, I knew that and told myself so, almost every morning.

But I hadn't lived it, until now.

* * *

_"So who is she?_" Rachel asked as I covered a dark bite mark on my neck after a night out.

I shrugged and just smirked.

_"Just a warm body...for now."_

She smile, clapped her hands together and ran from the room.

Not long after, she and Kurt had thrown a celebratory dinner in my honor, which I allowed myself to indulge in because there was free booze involved.

My phone vibrated and I turned from our Facts of Life marathon to look at my phone screen.

**_Thanks for coming. ;)-Q_**

I snickered and rolled my eyes.

_**Anytime.-S**_

_**How about tonight? I'm still in town ;)-Q**_

* * *

My phone vibrated again and this time it was a call.

Rachel shot me a look and I just smirked before stepping into the hall to answer.

_"Sup, Q?"_

_"I mean it...thanks for coming...over and over again."_

_"Don't get clingy on me..."_ I said as I looked at my nails.

_"No need...you were just another body...another flawless adventure."_

_"Same here."_

_"So up for another round?"_

_"I'm on my way." _

* * *

_**A/N: Okay...maybe a two shot? What do you think?**_


	2. Dreams

**_A/N: More plot bunnies and maybe a few lemons. :)_**

* * *

**Dreams (John Legend)  
**

* * *

_"More."_

_"You're insatiable." _She breathlessly grunted in my ear.

_"Less talking, more fuck...oh God! Yes...like that...fuck...no...go harder...to the left...shit! Right the-there...don't...s-stop! Yessssssssssss! Oh God yes! Quinnnn!" _

I collapsed back on the bed and sucked in deep breaths.

She smiled over at me with a smirk as she walked towards the bathroom with a sheet wrapped around her.

My body ached so deliciously that I didn't want to move but I knew that I had to.

We had an understanding between us and her going off to shower was my cue to leave.

She was done with me.

And so I quickly shuffled into my sneakers and pulled down my skirt, happy that we hadn't even gotten completely naked this time around.

My heart ached a bit but I just shrugged it off and quietly left the hotel.

This was what I wanted...why wasn't I happy?

I should have gone straight back to the apartment since I had only spent two hours with Quinn before leaving her, covered in bite marks and thoroughly fucked.

Of course, I have never done what was expected of me...even if it was me that was expecting it.

* * *

**_Where are you?-Berry_**

I groaned as I leaned against the back wall of the club that I had stumbled into a few minutes before.

The smoke surrounded me as I let the buzz of nicotine soak into me, they had rules against this sort of thing, smoking indoors, but I had managed to find a place that didn't seem to give a fuck.

Perfect.

Britt had long ago convinced me to give up smoking cigars and it had helped my voice to become stronger and my breath control had become epic but lately, singing hasn't been the first thing on my mind.

I brought the cigar to my lips and caught a whiff of Quinn's musky scent still on my fingers.

_"Wanky."_ I whispered.

_"Talking to yourself?"_

I looked up and saw a hot blonde walking my way, my mouth went dry and my knees got weak...it was like teen movie cliché to the ninth degree.

She was that fucking hot.

_"What's it matter to you?"_ I asked as I blew out the smoke that had suffocated my lungs.

_"Look, I just wanted to know if I could buy you a drink...you look like you could use one."_

_"Sure...something strong...please?"_ I said as I ashed the cigar and then took her outstretched hand.

Tingles went up and down my arm and I smiled to myself, maybe this wouldn't be so hard after all.

* * *

She took me back to her place for that drink and we ended up in bed together.

But there wasn't any sex...at least not on my end.

I was too busy crying and sobbing about how fucked up I was and how dirty I felt.

She showered with me, fucked me, rinsed and repeated, until the tears stopped and then offered to walk me home.

I had snagged a bottle of rum and proceeded to drink during the entire walk home.

She had left me in the hallway outside the apartment before kissing me and leaving her number on my arm.

The liquid sloshed as I finished off the bottle before dropping it into the kitchen trash with a loud bang.

_"Fuck."_ I grumbled.

My stomach clenched when I saw a picture of me and Britt and Quinn on graduation day.

A sob broke from me and then I don't remember anything after that.

* * *

My head was pounding when I woke up snuggled against a warm body in a dark room.

I pushed past the pain and kissed the softest and sweetest lips.

Britt's laughter filled my ears and I kissed harder.

This was a nightly thing, her and I meeting in the past...memories filled with fantasies.

I wanted this to last and so I loved her with everything that I had left.

There were tears from me and moans from her.

Just like every night, my dreams were pervaded with thoughts of her and us.

* * *

I moved my fingers down her body and pushed aside her flimsy panties, chuckling when I found her wet and wanting.

_"Ready baby love?"_ I whispered to her as she squirmed beneath me.

_"Mmmm."_ She groaned as I sunk my fingers into her._ "Don't stop."_

My eyes shot open when I realized that I wasn't dreaming.

But that didn't make me pull away like it should have.

There was want in her eyes and complicity in her touch and so I was thrusting harder and harder, not wanting to stop this craziness.

Rachel looked up at me with her lip trapped between her teeth and I felt my tears dry up.

Right then, I got what Puck, Finn and from what I have seen, Q, had been so crazy about.

Rachel fucking Berry was a vixen and I wanted more of her.

* * *

_**A/N: Mmmmhmmm...**_


	3. So Gone

_**A/N: If you are just tuning in to my story world...ICYMI...my one shots are like five or ten or twenty shots...my followers will tell you so. Anyway...wish me well chicas...lets dig in...shall we?**_

* * *

**So Gone (John Legend)**

* * *

_**Call me, it's important.-Britt Britt**_

I had just rolled off of Rachel and was on my way to my bed when my phone buzzed sometime around sunrise.

My body was sluggish and my mind was full of cotton but when I saw that the message was from Britt, nothing else mattered.

Pathetic, right?

I sat on the edge of my bed and looked down at my phone, it was just after six and I was sobering up enough to realize just how gross I felt.

In the past twelve hours, I had fucked and had been fucked numerous times by three different women...so, I needed a shower...badly.

So even though she had asked for me to call her, I needed to do it with a clearer head and not smelling of sex and booze.

Even if she couldn't see or smell me...in my mind...I felt like she would be able to tell my state in of destruction through the phone.

* * *

Rachel and Kurt were buzzing around, getting ready to head out of the door, when I finally climbed out of the shower feeling anxious about what I was walking into.

Kurt seemed oblivious to anything between me and Rachel, which helped me to relax, thankfully.

Like I had told Quinn, I didn't want anything serious...the problem was, I hadn't had a chance to explain that to Rachel.

The sex had blown my mind but now, in the light of day, as I watch her give me a shy wave and a wink...I feel sick.

When the door closed behind the two of them...relief filled me.

Thank God for the miracle that was Friday morning.

They both had a full course load today and some NYADA mixer tonight, so they would be gone most of the day, just like every other blessed Friday.

I had already planned to get trashed today, since I didn't have to work...and I knew we still had booze from the night before, so I was more than ready to get my drink on for free..like that's a shocker.

My plans of course, were blown to hell when, as I was unlocking my phone screen, so that I could call B, I saw a message from my boss.

Looks like I'll be slinging liquor bottles and serving up idiots at Coyote Ugly tonight...great!

But then again, money was money and I was currently low on funds thanks to my trips to Lima and all the drinking that I had been doing.

I laid back on my bed in just my towel and tried to soak up the new silence of the empty apartment while trying to drum up the nerve to call Britt.

* * *

My eyes had only been closed for a second...at least...that's what I had thought but when my phone buzzed from right next to my face, which was buried in my pillow and opened my blurry eyes, I knew that I had passed out.

_"Yea?"_ I grumbled.

_"San?"_

Just like earlier, my mind emptied and I was immediately alert.

I sat up, allowing my towel to fall down around my naked body and swallowed back my nausea.

_"Hey, B."_

I caught my stupid, silly expression in the mirror across from me and rolled my eyes before fixing my face.

How is it possible that I was still under her spell?

_"You didn't call me." _She sounded sad and that made me ache.

_"Sorry, long night...I passed out before I could call."_

_"Yea? Out drinking again?"_

_"Only a little." _I lied_._

_"..."_

_"Okay, maybe a lot."_ I corrected and I swear, I could see her face break into a smile.

_"Did you hook up with anybody?"_

My eyes went wide as my mouth went dry.

_"What?" _I stuttered out.

_"That's what I thought...it's okay, San. You don't have to lie. We're best friends, right?"_

_"Yea."_

_"Good...so Quinn is coming here to help me set up my dorm room this weekend...I was wondering if you wanted to come too?"_

I felt sick...there was no way that I would be caught dead with the two of them in the same room again.

Britt would know what we had been doing immediately and I didn't want to deal with that.

And so for once, I was happy to have an excuse at the ready that was thankfully, the truth.

_"No can do, B...I have to work tonight and tomorrow night. Rain check?"_ I asked at the last second.

_"Yea. Sure...that's fine."_

_"Good...was there something else?"_ I asked, suddenly feeling uncomfortable.

_"No...that was it."_

* * *

I was adjusting the girls in the mirror, annoyed as fuck with my bra when the door to the bathroom slammed open.

_"The fuck?" _I snapped in irritation as I turned towards the door and was met by an angry homo an his apologetic, vixen of a hag.

His normally pale skin was tinged pink and his face was twisted up in anger.

_"Why did you sleep with her?" _He asked...trying to be calm.

I looked between him and her, smirked and then turned back to the mirror.

His eyes burned the back of my head as I did one final boob adjustment before making my way past them.

Five years of cheering and you think I would be faster than the Hummelberry twins but while he grabbed my purse, she stepped in my path.

_"Can we just talk about what happened?" _She said without being able to look me in the eye.

I was running late for work but I couldn't stop myself.

So, I calmly brushed her hair from her face and smiled at her.

_"We fucked and it was great. It wasn't a proposal...just casual...kind of like the cabbage patch doll but with someone who actually gives a fuck about your feelings." _

And without a look back at either of them or a seconds thought about my purse, I strolled my ass out of that apartment with no plans of returning.

Right then, I just wanted to be gone...from them...from everything.

* * *

**_A/N: You may not know me...but trust me. :)_**


	4. Asylum

_**A/N: Go crazy with me? **_

* * *

**Asylum (John Legend)**

* * *

_"Leave now, before I have you both arrested and don't come back here...you're fired!" _

_"You can't fire me! I fucking quit!"_**  
**

I swear that I am going to lose my motherfucking mind and the world is just going to keep going to shit.

This was entirely Rachel's fault.

I had been minding my own fucking business, serving up a group of guys that were trying to invite me to some party after my shift.

Obviously, I wasn't planning on screwing any of them but it was a surefire way to get drunk and be mindless for awhile.

I had been gone from the apartment for two days now and I needed a place to crash...

Don't think like that...I was just going to take their money and get a room.

Shortsighted...I know...but what choice did I have?

But then my plan was ruined and I lost my job all in one fell swoop.

Rachel had somehow gotten it in her head that I was now her property, which was bullshit!

I watched in horror as she not only stormed through the bar with the bouncers chasing after her because she was underage but she also managed to call out my name and age in front of not only the guys but my boss.

After that, I was toast.

I tried to lie...tried to back peddle and just declare her a lunatic, stalker but my boss didn't want to hear any of it.

So now, after cleaning out my locker, I'm storming down a dank alley towards the street, feeling like I want to skin that bitch alive.

* * *

_"Hey...you okay sugar-babe?"_ I had been headed straight for Rachel who was waiting for me on the curb when a hand touched my arm.**  
**

I whipped around and was met by those eyes again.

_"The fuck are you doing here?"_

_"I was coming to see you...you told me to come...remember when I walked you home the other night?"_

I laughed and rubbed anxiously at my upper arm where her hand had been a few seconds earlier

This girl just seemed to make my whole body vibrate in a way that I had never felt before.

If only I could remember her name.

_"Honestly...I don't remember much about that night...if anything at all."_

The disappointment on her face was palpable and she didn't even try to disguise it, something about that made me feel for her.

How insane is that?

Our eyes were locked as we stepped closer to each other.

_"Maybe we can-" _She started to say before I was reminded of why I was outside on the sidewalk instead of working.

_"Santana?" _Rachel said as she stepped almost in between us._ "Can we go home now?"_

If looks could kill...

_"Do whatever you want Berry, just leave me the fuck alone!" _

She flinched as I threw my hands in the air.

_"But we-" _

Suddenly I remembered just what we had done and when we had done it and even though I wasn't looking for a serious relationship...I did like this girl...and this wasn't how I wanted this night to end.

* * *

I slapped my hand over her mouth and pulled her to the side.

She looked back at the girl and then at me with raised eyebrows.

_"Her? She's the girl?" _She whispered and that's when I heard the slur and when I leaned closer, I could smell the liquor.

Everything made sense now, the outburst, the way she was clinging to me right now...why hadn't I seen it before now, she was drunk!

_"Stay here, against this wall and don't you fucking move. Got it?"_ I said in my most intimidating voice.

She giggled and nodded as she covered a hiccup.

_"Ay, ay captain."_ She said as she saluted me.

I rolled my eyes and turned back to the hot girl.

_"Is everything okay?"_ She asked as she stared at Rachel.

_"That's my roommate, we had it out the other day and I guess she took it worse than I thought...she had a little too much to drink, so I'm going to walk her home."_

_"Oh...do you want me to walk with you two?"_

I had no idea just what Rachel would say in front of her and so I just shook my head and dug out my phone.

_"Actually...how about I meet you after I get her settled for the night."_

_"Sure...do you still have my number?"_ She asked, looking a little rejected as she looked at the phone in my hand.

I dropped my head and shook it as I handed my phone to her and gave her a small smile.

She smiled back at me and my heart swelled.

_"Can you put it in there for me? I took a shower as soon as I got home the other night and I must have washed it off my arm."_

She raised her eyebrow and I realized my error...so much for not remembering much about that night.

Smooth Lopez, real smooth.

* * *

_"Lay with me?"_ She whined as I finally got her in her pajamas and tucked into her bed.

Kurt was out with some guy and so I felt a little bad about leaving her all alone, that's probably why I had climbed in the bed with her.

What I can't explain is ending up on top of her with my tongue shoved in between her lips.

She tasted like strawberry wine and cinnamon gum.

Her hands trailed up my back and I shivered as I shoved my knee between her legs.

_"I shouldn't be doing this."_ I whispered as she buried her fingers in my hair.

_"Why not? You're single and so am I."_ She asked as she stuck out her chin and stared into my eyes. _"Don't go back to her tonight...stay with me...please?"_ She whined desperately, reminding me of myself in more ways than one.

She was hurting and she needed me, needed this.

It was crazy and insane but to me, in that moment it made perfect sense.

* * *

_"Yessssss."_ She hissed as I kissed down her body and followed the kisses with soft touches until I was laying between her legs.

Her hands gripped my hair as I licked and sucked at her core.

For someone that was always so vocal in life...in bed, Rachel was surprisingly quiet.

Don't get me wrong, the moaning and the hissing was constant but it wasn't loud enough to be heard on the street...not like Quinn who was a howler.

I lifted my eyes and watched her come undone as she thrusted her hips against my face.

_"Mmmm...yesssssssssssss! Santanaaaaaa!"_ She moaned as she came and when I went to move, she held me there as she thrusted her way towards a second orgasm. _"Mmmm...mmmm...Snhhh...mmmmmmm."_ She groaned with her lips trapped in her mouth.

She was so hot...too hot.

On top of that, it amazed me how she still managed to be so in control of this and that really turned me on.

She finally relaxed her hips and pulled at me until I was hovering above her again.

Her guard was down, she was completely vulnerable and I could see that something had happened while I was gone, she was using me to cope with whatever it was and I was okay with that.

With sex this good...I was willing to distract her forever.

She made me crazy but I was willing to be insane in all of this, right along with her, she wasn't the only one that needed to be distracted.

This wasn't love, she finally got that...I think...

Right now, it was just us, doing this just to get by...at least that's what I told myself.

* * *

_**A/N: I had to stop here...it would have been a million miles long if I continued but don't worry...I'll be back very soon!  
**_


	5. Hold On Longer

_**A/N: Back again! :) This is A/U but it also loosely follows the real time of the show so that means...sadness still exists...I just won't go into detail...that's too much for even me. You were warned. :/**_

* * *

**Hold On Longer (John Legend)**

* * *

She could have gone to anyone when she found out about Finn...but she had come to me and now that I know about it, I feel like shit about sleeping with her.

After he dropped her off at that train station back in Lima...it was kind of like common knowledge that he still planned to marry her.

That was the plan, even back on Valentine's when I was slow dancing with Quinn, you could still see the love between them.

And now...I had gone and stuck myself in between them...again.

Except this time...it wasn't me being malicious but that's not how it looked.

When I woke up the next morning, she was gone, already on her way to Lima with Kurt and all I got was a stupid fucking note.

All this new directions family talk and this was how I found out about one of our friends dying.

Not just that...I got left here, broke and alone.

I was broken and depressed about everything...I had been on my worst behavior lately and this had shocked me into that realization.

So by the time that I called Quinn, I was sobbing and sober, sitting in the bathtub completely naked.

Probably looking like a maniac.

* * *

_"Slow down, Santana...what's wrong?"_

_"Finn..."_ I couldn't say anything else because I couldn't breathe.

_"Oh...yea...I heard about that."_

It amazed me just how cold she sounded.

_"Seriously? I know that you had some shit between you but this is no time to be the fucking ice queen."_

She was silent for a long moment as I continued to cry into her ear.

And then I heard the phone shuffled and my tears slowed.

_"San, baby? It's going to be okay...just breathe."_

I had forgotten that Quinn was with Britt.

_"Are you...will you come to Lima with me."_

_"I um...don't know if I can."_ I heard murmuring in the background and then she cleared her throat._ "I can't...um...come back to Lima. Sorry."_

_"Britt...are you serious right now? What's she saying to you?_

_"San, I-"_ There was more murmuring and then more silence and finally more shuffling.

Then Quinn was back on and I could hear Britt crying in the background.

_"What did you say to her?"_ I growled, feeling like I was going to break completely apart.

_"We aren't coming, Santana...we both have classes and barely enough money to go all the way to Lima and you don't have money either...how are you even getting there? You didn't even like him!"_

I was beyond angry.

_"Fuck you both...I don't care if I have to sell my ass all over Brooklyn, I will be going to pay my respects to our friend!"_

And just like that I ended the call.

I couldn't deal with this...not today.

My cries continued as I thought about last night and how desperate Rachel had seemed.

She was reaching out for me, needing me and I had been a complete bitch and she had taken it all.

I was a terrible person...worse than I had ever imagined that I would be and it was time for some redemption.

Rachel needed me and from the looks of it, Kurt had been the one to facilitate them leaving me in her bed, half naked with only a note...she wouldn't do this to me...not after last night...right?

* * *

My parents are irritating and negligent sometimes but when I need them...like right now, they are there.

Without question.

By the time that I had managed to climb out of the tub and stumble through packing, with no idea of how I was getting back home, plans were already in motion.

Thank God for my parents.

**_Open your email, plane ticket confirmation is in there. I'll see you tonight, cuídate cariño. Que Dios te bendiga-Mami_**

**_Gracias Mami! Bendicion!-Santana_**

**_I'm on my way. I love you.-Santana_**

That last message was sent to both Kurt and Rachel, I wasn't sure what emotional state they were in but I was feeling like I just wanted to wrap my arms around both of them for however long they needed me to.

This wasn't about my downward spiral into madness or stupidly sleeping with Rachel...again, it was about the hurt that losing our friend...our family member had caused.

At the end of the day, I just wanted them to know that I was there for them.

Just like Mami had been for me, her selflessly paying for my ticket home, had reminded me of the person that I had become before moving to New York.

I had been quickly losing myself and now that I could step back and recognize it...I knew that I wanted to change things...

Before it was too late.

* * *

I walked the halls of McKinley and it looked like a ghost town, instead of going to the choir room, I left.

The funeral had been yesterday and apparently there had been a memorial at the school this morning but I had chosen to skip that.

Even at the funeral, I showed up early to the viewing and then snuck out during the eulogy.

I couldn't handle much more than that and ended up breaking my days long sobriety by breaking into my father's liquor cabinet.

From that point on, I had drunken myself into a stupor and nobody was home to stop me, Mami may have sent me the ticket but that didn't mean that she home for very long once I showed up.

I felt all alone and I just needed someone to hold me and that was supposed to be Britt.

So much for that.

Now that I was back in Lima after failing at college and now sucking at life, I was really feeling like I was drowning.

My parents had been offering to let me stay at home, rent free if I went back to school and I was really starting to consider...I mean what other choice did I have?

* * *

_"I wish you wouldn't do that so much, it's ruining your voice." _

The tears had long dried up as I sat on the front porch and lit up another cigar.

I had been so fixated on the heavy rain that I hadn't heard her until she was standing just behind me.

_"Hey Rachel."_ I said through a heavy and husky voice.

_"Do you think you could...um..."_ She pressed her lips together in a firm line and quickly wiped away a tear before speaking again._ "I know this is your home, it's just...do you think you could put that out so that maybe I could sit with you?"_

There was that look again, just like from the other night.

She was coming to me again out of need and I wouldn't turn her away.

And so without any argument, I ashed the cigar and then stood up.

I could see how pale and swollen she was but her beauty hasn't been effected, if anything, it was amplified.

_"Want to come inside?" _I asked as I made a move towards the front door.

_"As long as that means you will hold me?" _She squeaked out as more tears broke her down.

_"Of course...I'll hold you for as long as you want."_

I didn't waste anymore time as I wrapped my arms around her.

_"Th...thank you."_ She whispered.

She sunk against me and shook so hard that I could feel it in my bones.

_"Wrap you legs around my waist."_ I whispered against her face as she cried against my shoulder.

I braced myself and then lifted her, gripping her ass for leverage.

She chuckled dryly and then snuggled deeper as I took us inside.

I have no idea how I made it up the steps without dropping her because by the time I eased her down onto the bed, my whole body ached.

But I didn't mind...I don't think that I could of if I had tried.

* * *

After quickly showering and brushing my teeth, I stepped out into my bedroom to find her curled up under the covers, staring at the wall silently and motionless.

Truth be told, I was afraid to make a move, not wanting to do anything that would make things worse for either of us.

I crouched down in front of her and blocked her staring match with the drywall.

_"Do you want a shower?"_ I asked, trying to resist the need to go get a drink for either of us.

She shook her head and then leaned forward and kissed my lips.

I remained stiff and didn't kiss back, she pulled away and looked at me with a scrunched up face and then sucked her lips into her mouth.

She sighed and then looked at me sadly before whimpering.

_"Please? Just...a kiss? Please Santana?"_

How could I deny that?

I nodded and when she leaned forward again, I was ready.

My joints hurt as I unsteadly stayed there on my haunches letting her seek whatever comfort she needed from me.

When she finally pulled back, I was light headed from the lack of oxygen.

_"I shouldn't be doing this."_ I whispered and this time she agreed.

_"I know...just...please?"_

I didn't allow her lip to quiver as I climbed up with a groan and wrapped myself around her.

She turned in my arms and smiled softly at me.

_"Thank you...I'll be gone by morning...okay? I'm just...I'm going to hug you now...okay...is that alright?"_

I looked at her long and hard and then shook my head.

_"No...that's not alright."_

She looked stunned as she tried to pull away,_ "I'm sorry that I bothered you."_

I hugged her tighter and then kissed her forehead,

_"Well I'm not sorry, little bit, I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything that you don't want to do. If you need me to hold you, now until whenever...then that's what I'll do. You can hold onto me for as long as you need to. I promise."_

* * *

Long after she had finally given into the tears and had cried herself to sleep, I remained awake thinking about my life and how I was throwing it away so easily.

I couldn't be this wreck anymore, for whatever reason, Rachel had chosen me to look after her and I couldn't let her down.

The caveat of my existence is my deep seeded need to take care of people, so when Britt didn't need me anymore...I lost who I was.

I know, it seems stupid and weak...call it what you want...it was my saving grace time and time again.

I would return to New York and be the best version of myself that I could...for me and her.

* * *

**_A/N: It's sappy but its going somewhere...trust!_**


	6. We Loved It

_**A/N: So confusing? Quinntana or Pezberry...how about both...and neither? Right now, Santana doesn't know which way is up and she's trying to figure things out...so if you want to know my endgame...I guess you just have to read...or not...**_

_**Let's get to it.**_

* * *

**We Loved It (John Legend feat. Seal)**

* * *

Despite my insisting that she stay, true to her word, Rachel was gone when I woke up the next morning but unlike when I was left in New York...she had been the one to leave a note this time.

So after reading it...I didn't feel so shitty about my existence.

_**Santana-**_

_**I didn't want to wake you. **__**I'm headed to have breakfast with my fathers and then I may come back. I hope that's alright.  
**_

_**Rachel.**_

I reread the note and then rolled over onto my stomach and buried my face in the pillow that she had been sleeping on.

Cinnamon...it was like her signature scent and I was obsessed.

But I wasn't in love.

There was no way that I was in love...if anything...she and Quinn sat on the same level...she just didn't act like a bitch all the time.

My love for Quinn often made me forget the past and that might be a bad thing.

I was happy though and I loved her.

My phone went off and I basically went leaping for it.

_"So pathetic."_ I grumbled before swiping my finger across the screen.

I had known that it was Quinn before I answered...but my euphoria had helped me to wipe away our previous conversation.

But that didn't last very long.

* * *

_"You're sleeping with Rachel?"_

It was Brittany.

_"What?"_ I asked with a strangled voice.

_"And Quinn...you had sexy times with her too? What's going on with you, San?"_

I was shell shocked.

_"Where's Q? Put her on the phone."_ I whispered as I continued to bury my face against the pillow...it was the only thing that was keeping me calm.

_"She's on her way back here...she left for school and then had to turn around for her phone."_

I sighed as I listened to her sniffling.

_"Don't cry, B. Please...just stop. Please?" _

_"Do you love her?"_

I knew she was talking about Rachel but I decided to play dumb.

_"Who?"_

_"Rachel...or Quinn...do you even love me anymore? Is your whole life about energy exchanges now?"_

Basically.

_"That's not...Britt, of course I love you. I will always love you the most, you know that."_

_"I don't. You broke up with me for no reason and then you fucked Quinn on Valentine's day. Now...you are sleeping with Rachel! What makes them better than me?"_

She was screeching in my ear and I just cried silently into the cloud of cinnamon.

Fuck my life.

* * *

I had long ago hung up on a screaming Britt and was in the middle of soaking the pillow with my stupid tears, when the door to my bedroom opened.

My whole body felt heavy as her fingers tucked my hair behind my ear and then her lips traced over the curve of my ear.

_"Talk to me."_ She whispered and I just rolled onto my back, stuck out my bottom lip like a petulant toddler and opened my arms.

She looked at me and smiled softly before falling into my embrace.

We laid there for a long time, taking turns crying, mourning lost loves and life pains.

There was no talking about it...just me and Rachel fucking Berry having our own pity party.

It got so bad that I was crying about my abandonment issues and how much I just longed to be happy.

She laid on her back and just idly ran her fingers through my hair as I cried against her side.

In that moment, I felt so safe and so peaceful...even as I cried.

_"That's unfortunate, Santana but you will find love. We both will."_ She sighed and then hugged me tighter before dropping a kiss on my forehead.

_"Y-yea?"_ I asked...confused by the words she had just spoken.

_"Yes."_

_"Together?"_ I muttered, so low that I barely heard myself.

Her body went stiff and my heart sunk...who would have thought she of all people would reject me.

_"I talked to my dads about this...about us and they agreed with you, that this shouldn't be more than it is. They also told me that if we were going to continue sleeping with each other without being in a proper relationship...that you should move out. I agree." _

_"Oh God."_ And then there were more tears as I cried against her and she allowed me that.

I could tell though, that I was exhausting her.

Super pathetic.

* * *

_"Breathe...please?"_ She whimpered.

Her tears were imminent and I suddenly felt selfish.

I finally sat up and rubbed at my itchy eyes.

Tears were silently streaking down the sides of her face as she looked at me.

_"I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me. I'm so fucking pathetic. What's wrong with me?"_ I whispered.

She screwed up her face and then rubbed at my thigh.

_"Please...just...come back."_ She said as she held her arm up for me again. I looked at her, feeling hesitant. _"Please?"_

I nodded finally and then rested my head on her shoulder and sighed when her arm came around me again.

_"So what happens now?"_ I asked as I looked into her eyes.

She smiled at me and then leaned forward and kissed my nose.

_"I'm not ready for anything serious, Santana...I don't know if I will ever be again. I do know that it won't be anytime soon. I need to refocus my priorities and focus on Broadway and you need to really start focusing on why you came to New York in the first place."_

I felt judged and hurt...but mostly, I just felt abandoned...again.

This was me opening myself up for something...blindly walking forward and I was shut down.

_"Yea."_ I whispered.

* * *

I didn't return to New York with Rachel or at all.

There was a big transformation for me, I changed my phone number and cleared out my trust fund...with hopes of getting my own place in New York or LA.

So many things went through my mind, including going out for American Idol...but I didn't want to be a part of that machine.

I wanted something stable and big...I just didn't know how to do it.

Three weeks had gone by and my parents had finally come home from their month-long stay in LA with my father's family.

Mami told me that they were looking to relocate out there and that maybe I should join them.

It sounded like a plan...a good deal but then my Abuela died and all the plans went straight out of the window.

They ended up only coming home for the funeral and then leaving again.

Too many memories.

So once again, I was alone.

Depression snuck in fast and furious, cigars turned to weed packed papers and drinking.

I had been written from the family will and so I didn't show up at the funeral.

There were no final respects for me to pay...she didn't respect me in life, so why the hell did I want to respect her in death.

My parents were pissed off at my show of defiance but I didn't care, once they signed the house over to me...and I was alone with my darkness...nothing mattered.

Rachel had gotten the part on Broadway and so everything was about her show.

Me...I lost myself and nobody gave a shit.

Nobody cared.

Or so it seemed.

* * *

The first thing that I was aware of when I woke up from a drunken fog was the steady beating of my own heart under my sweaty palm and a pounding headache to match.

I was sober for the first time in my recent memory and I promised myself that I would remedy that soon.

First though, I had to figure out where I had ended up this time.

I had awaken in a dark motel room with someone lightly snoring from right beside me.

Nothing was familiar as I stumbled onto the floor and wrapped a soft towel around my naked body.

I had no idea where I was or who I was with, all I knew was that I needed to get the hell out of there.

After locating my phone by the door with my purse and keys, I looked around for my clothes but couldn't locate them.

So I stayed naked and ended up climbing into my mother's old car, shivering cold, some where just outside of Cleveland.

Thank God for the GPS or I may have never figured out where I was at that hour.

I pulled into a gas station and then stared down at my phone screen, no missed calls, no text messages...no nothing.

And from what I could remember, I had been out of touch for a few days.

Too drunk and high to notice the days slipping by.

I was at my bottom as I sat there, shaking in that robe...at almost four in the morning in the middle of the week.

_**Can we talk?-Santana**_

* * *

The response was immediate...even though it had been almost a month since I had spoken to her._**  
**_

My phone vibrated and the call came in almost exactly after I hit send, almost like she had been waiting for the call.

And I found out that she had.

_"You called? Thank God!"_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"You don't remember, do you? I was about to start looking for flights back to you. Are you okay?"_

_"I don't understand." _

My head hurt as I listened to her go on and on about being worried about me but I couldn't remember talking to her.

_"What's the last thing you remember?"_

_"Um...I went to the cemetery to...um...see my Abuela and then...um...I left and um...I woke up in the motel room and now I'm talking to you."_

_"It's been two days since the cemetery, you have been texting me and leaving me drunken voice mails. You were home...or out walking around most of the time but just tonight, you called from a truck stop and you were hitchhiking back to New York with some guy. Then you called again an hour ago and told me that you had locked yourself in the bathroom and you were scared of what he was going to do to you and then the line went out. I have been freaking out...I called Quinn and Brittany to see if you had called them. Where are you?"_

* * *

_"Um..." _I was speechless as I looked at my reflection in the rear-view mirror. I had a busted lip but other than that...I seemed to be okay.

No major damage and from what I could tell...no sex had happened...but I could have showered.

And then there was the question of me hitchhiking and sitting in my mom's car.

_"Where are you? Please?" _

_"I'm in my mom's car...this doesn't..."_

_"Oh good! Is Brittany with you then?"_

Britt?

_"Huh?"_

_"When I called her, she was in Lima for the weekend, she said she was going to drive up to Cleveland to get you."_

_"Oh. I guess she was the person in the bed with me...I left the motel."  
_

_"Why don't you head back...call me when you get there. Okay?"_

_"Um...alright. Bye."_

* * *

I pulled up outside the motel room and saw that the lights were on.

Somehow, knowing that Britt was in there just didn't comfort me like it should have.

I felt like a kid heading home with a note from their teacher.

So I stalled.

All that I wanted was to talk to Rachel...to lay in her arms and for her to love me.

I think I may be falling for her...

_"Hey Rach." _I said as I watched a shadow cross to the door of the motel room.

_"Britt called and told me that you pulled up. Do you want me to come to Lima?"_

_"No."_ I said while watching the door crack open.

Britt didn't come outside, she just left the door open for me.

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Positive. I'm going to get some sleep and talk to B...will you call me tomorrow?"_ I asked, trying to sound chipper.

_"Okay...I will call you after work. Be safe, Santana. Come back to me in one piece...okay? Promise me?"_

_"I promise."_

* * *

_"I just don't understand what's going on with you."_ She said as she played with her hands and kept her head down. _"If I had known that convincing you to go to college would make you break up with me and then become...like this...I never would have done it."_

_"If you don't get it...I'm not going to explain it. I'm tired of explaining things."_

_"Are you saying that I'm too dumb to understand you, because according to M.I.T...I'm a rock star genius."_

I smiled sadly and then leaned back against the closed door, sighing heavily and wishing that I could just go back to bed.

_"You know I don't think your dumb, I've been telling you that you're a genius for years...you know that."_

_"Then what are you tired of explaining? Please talk to me, we're supposed to best friends."_

I shook my head and pushed off the door...I knelt down in front of her, thinking about the night that I had done the same to Rachel and felt my heart race.

_"Britt...you and me...we haven't been best friends in a very long time. I've grown up and I've...I lost who I thought I was. I've been doing anything and everything that I can to fuck up my own life. The person that I was...your best friend...is dead. I don't know who I am anymore."_

She linked our pinkies together and looked at me sideways, just like always, she was trying to figure me out.

_"I know."_ She whispered. _"I should have been there for you." _

_"That's just it...I didn't want you to be and so you weren't. The truth is that, I haven't felt worthy of you for a really long time. I've been with other people...a lot of them and now...it's like, you and I were never even friends in the first place. You proved that to me...with Sam and then picking Quinn over me. I know you had your own life and I'm happy for you. So happy and so proud but I can't...I don't...want you...not anymore...not like before."_

Her whole face caved in and I had a front row seat.

* * *

_"Okay but why are you telling me...why break my heart again? You are just telling me what I already know."_

_"Because...I don't want you to be here with me because you think that you can step in and fix me."_

_"What? I just want to help you."_

_"Don't." _

_"Well, too late...I'm here now...I saved...I called the police and they took that bad guy away. I saved you already...I don't care how much you try to push me away. I'm your best friend no matter what. Okay?"  
_

Her pinky squeezed mine again and I found myself feeling like the world was ripped from beneath me. She came to me when she could...I was the first thing she was concerned about even though she had so much going on in Boston.

I had been mad at her for doing what I had asked of her.

I was such a dick.

_"Okay, B."_

_"Okay." _She squeaked out.

I wrapped my arms around her and we just held each other.

She rested her head against my shoulder and took deep, soft breaths.

_"Thanks for saving me, B."_

_"I love you, Santana...that hasn't changed."_

I felt like a terrible person.

Once again.

* * *

_**A/N: This chapter was ridiculously hard to write...I just had so many conflicting feelings. I don't know my own endgame, I realized though that Brittana isn't it...what do you guys think?**_


	7. Aim High

_**A/N: I think I have it figured out and I'm going to fix the tag...when I'm 100% certain. In the meantime...lets pick our girl up off the floor like only Britt can. :)**_

* * *

**Aim High (John Legend)**

* * *

The thing that has always amazed me about Britt, is that when it comes to me...she is really good at getting me to let my walls down.

I also have always loved her ability to get me on every single level, knowing what I need sometimes better than I do.

Maybe that's why she was so shocked when I broke up with her and then rejected her again, in the worst way.

But regardless of what had happened in the last year, she was here and that meant more to me than any of my bullshit.

I had stupidly thought that we wouldn't be able to be friends after our whirlwind romance but I was wrong.

My friendship with Brittany is probably the most organic and purest relationship that I have had.

She had gotten to the core of me (in more than one way) and had somehow managed to get me to see myself how she sees me.

When I was away from her...I forgot what she had shown me.

In Louisville and now in New York, I failed to stand on my own two feet and was drowning.

For years, I was convinced that she needed me to get her through life, not realizing that it was me that needed her to help me to live.

She leveled me...I saw that now.

I may not want to be with her romantically but I can no longer deny her friendship because after all, a girl needs her best friend and for better or worse, she was mine.

* * *

We laid together after showering...separately...and just stared at each other for an eternity.

Most people would find it creepy but for us...this was normal.

I was of course...fighting tears but she just looked at me with a gentle smile and ran her hand up and down my arm.

I could tell that she was afraid to do more than that, not sure what was okay between us anymore but there was no way that I could pass up her touch, I needed more.

_"Can you hold me?"_ I asked, not feeling pathetic or needy.

Britt and I were way past that point.

She smiled like Christmas morning and then pulled me against her.

I fit perfectly into her embrace and felt myself relax more in that moment than I had in months.

_"I'm okay with it...just so you know."_ she whispered after my cries died down.

_"Hmmm?"_ I said as I kissed her shoulder and squeezed her tighter.

_"You and Rachel...I can tell that you have feelings for her and I'm okay with it."_

_"You are?"_

_"Yep. In fact, I'm actually really glad that it's her and not Quinn."_

* * *

I pulled back and looked into her eyes and could see that she was super being honest.

Her face was stern but calm as she told me about who she preferred me with.

Apparently, that wasn't something I was comfortable with because my mood shifted.

_"Yea...why do you say that? Quinn is like your best friend these days."_ I snapped back with irritation.

She rolled her eyes and shook her head.

Her smile told me that I needed to be calm because this wasn't an attack.

I took a deep breath, swallowed back my initial panic and waited for an answer.

_"Simple...You would kill each other, you're too alike."_

_"You're probably right."_

_"There's no "probably" about it, she spent the whole weekend bitching about how angry you made her and how she wanted you to make some show of romance like you did with me...she thought you had told me about you two."_

I huffed in frustration, that was not how Britt should have found out but what's done is done.

* * *

_"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you."_

She shook her head and smiled sadly.

_"You didn't have to, you forgot we were best friends at that point and I was with Sam. Can I ask you something though?"_

My heart stopped when I saw the heartbreak in her eyes.

Immediately, I knew that I could sleep with anyone in the world and she would support me, case in point...Rachel but something about Quinn being our joint best friend was a step too far.

I knew better and of course, that's why I had avoided telling her but Quinn has no fucking scruples, I should have known that she wouldn't think twice about telling Britt.

_"You can ask me anything, B...even if you know I'm not going to like it."_

She smiled and leaned into my lips with her forehead.

I kissed her face a few times and then settled in for her question.

_"Are you going to go back to who you were before we got together...with the sleeping around and smoking and drinking?"_

_"Too late...I think I'm already there, B." _

She sighed and nodded.

_"I was afraid that you would say that...are you going to keep having sex with Quinn, too?"_

This time, I could actually hear the crack in her voice and that's when I knew that she had been imagining it in her head.

I shook my head.

_"I don't think that I will...not anytime soon, B."_

She nodded...content with my half answer and pulled me close again.

_"Good. Let's sleep now."_

She gave me a quick peck on the lips for a goodnight kiss and then smiled as she fell to sleep.

It felt good to be like this with her again and I knew that no matter what, I wouldn't take her for granted any longer.

* * *

That night spent in that motel room, cuddled in Britt's arms, feeling safe and cared for, must have been what I had needed because when I woke up, I felt better than I had in a really long time.

It's sad to admit but this was probably one of the first times that I just slept with someone with no sex involved in a really long time.

Being in Rachel's arms and Quinn's bed hadn't made me feel as content as this...even if I didn't want a serious relationship just yet, sex was never an emotionless act when I was with women, no matter how hard I wanted it to be.

Hmm...wanky.

Britt though, she didn't have any intention of sleeping with me, my rejection of her had basically solidified that, so instead she was focused on being the best friend that I needed.

Our drive back home was filled with laughter and silliness that I had tried my best to conceal inside of myself.

Adults are supposed to be serious...right?

The more I did the adult thing...I wasn't so sure.

Maybe Britt was going about this the right way.

* * *

By the time we were on the road back to Lima, I was starting to see the forest for the trees...I was seeing who I was again and it felt so amazing.

It would take time to figure out what my goals were but at least I actually was willing to have some.

Before today, I'm not sure that I wanted to live much longer but now...I'm thinking that not only do I want to live but I want to be the best version of myself that I could be,

For me before anyone, even Rachel, I was willing to live my dreams which I know would make her proud.

I just needed to form a plan and stick to it,

Even if I was scared shitless.

Sue taught me that being scared isn't always a bad thing.

* * *

As we pulled up outside of my mother's house, so that Britt could pick up her own car, she turned to me and looked really serious...so much that it shocked me a bit.

_"What's wrong, B?"_

Our whole three-hour drive back to Lima, had been happy the entire way, so now...seeing her like this...I don't know, I didn't like it.

Never in any of that time on the road, had she brought up anything that would warrant the kind of face that she was making and it made me really anxious.

She sighed and turned in her seat until she was fully facing me.

Tears in her eyes and bottom lip chewed to the point of swelling, she was worried.

_"B...you're freaking me out."_ I said as I reached over and pulled her hand into my lap.

She looked at our hands and then sighed before pulling her hand back and wrapping arms around herself.

I hated this...whatever this was.

_"Um..." _She said and then looked away before looking back at me and letting her tears fall for a moment before wiping them on her sleeve.

_"B?"_

* * *

She was smiling through her tears now.

_"I know that you say that Rachel isn't ready to be with you yet...and I know that Quinn is ready to sleep with you anytime...and I...well...you and I may end up together when we are eighty or something...who knows, right?"_

My head was hurting while I tried to keep up with her thinking.

_"Sure, B...who knows."_

She smiled when she saw that I had kept up with her.

_"No matter what happens or who you end up with, I just need you to take better care of yourself...if not for you...if you feel like you aren't worth it...do it for me and for Rachel...even for Quinn. Okay?"_

Tears continued to fill her eyes and I was dumbstruck.

_"Okay, B...please...just don't cry." _I squeaked out, wanting to hug her but knowing that she needed me to be looking at her.

_"You are just so much more than you give yourself credit for. It kills me to see you so hurt. I love you so much, Santana."_

Finally I couldn't hold back anymore, I pulled her into my arms and hugged her tight.

_"I love you too, B. Always. I'll do better, okay. I'll be better."  
_

_"And dream?"_ She whispered with a scratchy voice.

_"Yea B...I'll start dreaming again."  
_

She smiled at me and then kissed my lips before wiping at her tears and then leaning against my shoulder again.

_"Big fat dreams, San. Don't let anyone get in your way...okay?"_

_"Okay." _I said with one of my first genuine smiles in an eternity.

_"Good cuz if you don't, I'll go all Lima Heights on your ass." _

Oh God.

* * *

_**A/N: She's picked up...lets get her back into the realm of Rachel's craziness...**  
_


	8. Wanna Be Loved

**_A/N: I went back and forth about which song to work on next but this one just hits me right were I needed it to...so here you go! :)_**

* * *

**Wanna Be Loved (John Legend)**

* * *

I had been back in New York for a few days now, my parents were still at odds with me but they were "nice" enough to give me one last major gift just to get me off their backs.

It had taken me driving all the way to Detroit, just to get my Tio to agree to talk to them on my behalf.

When he found out that they had unofficially disowned me after my Abuela died...he was not happy and so he offered to buy the house in Lima from me.

I told him that he had to talk to my parents about it and so he did.

When my parents found out, they were so upset that I was willing to sell my childhood home just to get back to New York that they just ended up giving me the money that was rightfully mine before I was written out of the will.

Papi had been the one to call one of his colleagues in New York and have him help to find me a place in the Village and Mami had given me her car.

There were no pleasantries between us at this point which kind of shocked me.

My father had always been a bit cold towards me but my mom...I don't know...something didn't sit right about the way that she was being but after talking it through with Britt and crying in her lap, I chalked it up to her grieving over her mother and my list of failures over the last year.

It sucked but at least I got some sense of freedom from all of it.

Britt was convinced that the time would come for us to reconcile but that in the mean time, maybe this was a blessing in disguise and up until the moment I drove into New York, I had been skeptical but when I got into my apartment, I had to agree.

* * *

In the few days that I had been in the city, I hadn't contacted Rachel and when she messaged me, I would just answer back shortly...nothing to let her know where I was, just enough so that she knew that I was okay.

My head had literally been out of touch with reality for a while and so I hadn't really been focused on my goals and my plans at all until now.

Rachel was in those plans but I didn't build anything around her because I knew that she was focused on her own stuff.

She was the understudy on Funny Girl but according to everyone that I talked to, she was outshining the lead in rehearsals so much that she might get bumped up and because of her devotion, I had thought sneaking into the old Bushwick apartment would be a cinch.

What I hadn't counted on was it being a new semester and Fridays maybe not being so busy.

Kurt was sitting in the kitchen, having coffee and laughing on his phone when I strolled in.

His jaw dropped and he quickly hung up the phone, he shot daggers at my suitcase and then shook his head.

_"No."_ He deadpanned with his biggest diva hip thrust.

His hands were on his hips and his lips were pulled taut as he basically snarled at me.

But I was a protégé of Sue Sylvester...that was basically a welcome home to me.

* * *

I held up my palm and smiled gently.

_"Just came to get my stuff...that is if you haven't thrown it out yet."_

He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest.

_"I tried but Rachel wouldn't let me."_ He nodded towards her room, _"Trunk at the end of her bed...everything is there but the pillow...I figured that you didn't need it anymore since you basically replaced it with Rachel."_

_"About that," _I said as he followed me into her room and stood there while I opened the trunk._ "I'm not here to break her heart, I'm giving her space. I got a place of my own and a new job, I just want to do what I came here for. If there comes a time that she wants to get back up on this...that's her business. In the mean time, I really need to focus on me and she knows that."_

_"She pretty much said the same thing...just don't hurt her, okay?"_

I had finished tossing my things into my suitcase and was in the process of writing her a note when I looked up at his red face and watery eyes.

He was hurting.

Stupid me.

I put the note on her pillow and then slowly walked towards him with my arms open.

_"I won't and I'm sorry that things happened the way that they did. I'm sorry for your loss..."_ I hugged him and at first he was stiff but then as I rubbed his back, he softened and sighed out shakily.

_"Thanks...it's been...rough."_

_"I'm here for you still, Porcelain. I'll leave you my address, just in case you need a place to stay when Rachel is going on one of her rages. I have a second bedroom with your name on it...okay?"_

He broke our embrace and wiped at his face before looking at me again.

_"Thank you, Santana."_

I nodded and pulled my suitcase towards the door, still super conscious of wanting to be out of there before Rachel got back.

_"Anytime, Kurt." _

* * *

I sat in my apartment that night, staring at the wall for about fifteen minutes before I realized that this couldn't be the alternative to being out and partying.

There had to be a middle ground, right?

Of course, I hadn't bought a television yet, so that was probably part of my boredom and so I ended up opening the window, climbing out onto the fire escape and lighting up a cigar for old times sake.

I had given up drinking for the time being and I really didn't want to end up in some girl's bed tonight, so I allowed myself this one luxury.

My head was buzzing from the heavy dose of nicotine when my phone starting ringing.

_"Hi."_ I said happily as I blew out a puff of smoke.

_"Smoking again?"_ She sighed.

_"Yea...just occasionally though...I got bored."_

_"Well at least you aren't drunk...that's an improvement."_

_"How about we start again, Hi Rachel, how are you?"_

_"I'm okay."_ She said with a tone of worry.

_"Rough day?"_ I asked as I took a drag and held in the smoke until it burned before blowing it out again.

_"I'm failing a class and they told me that if they bumped me up to lead, I would have to wait until the season is over. So yea...it was a rough day."_

_"Are you just getting home?"_

There was silence and then another sigh.

_"Actually, I've been home for about an hour but I hesitated on calling you. I didn't know what version of you would answer and with the day that I've had...I wasn't sure that I was prepared to deal with you."_

_"Harsh."_ I said as a pain struck my chest.

_"But warranted."_ She snapped back.

I heard water and smiled.

_"Are you calling me from the bathtub?"_ I asked, immediately thinking of a million dirty thoughts.

_"Yes."_

_"Wanky."_

And finally, after a somewhat tense beginning to our conversation, she let out a genuine laugh.

_"Wanky, indeed."_

* * *

After the tension dissolved, we moved onto a much lighter conversation and it didn't feel weird at all.

In fact, Rachel asked if she could call me like this more often and I told her that she could and then she asked me if she could come see my place and we set up a dinner date for the next night but I insisted that she bring Kurt because I didn't trust myself right now.

More awkward pauses happened and then she just relented and told me that she would bring Kurt along even though he had told her what I said about her being able to get all up on this.

Maybe I didn't want it so soon...life was too short and I wanted something real...she couldn't give me that, so I wouldn't be going there, no matter how much I wanted to.

This was my time and I needed us to both be sure of what we were walking into with eyes wide open.

And when I admitted that very fact, I could hear the pride in her voice.

I had made her proud.

Of course, my mini celebration of Rachel's pride in me was short lived when I heard a heavy knock at my door.

I ended the call and put out my cigar before climbing back into my apartment.

A quick glance at the clock told me that it was after midnight and so I had no idea who could be at my door, when I checked the peephole...surprise washed over me.

How the hell did she know where I lived?

* * *

I swung the door open and just stood there, looking at a very pissed off blonde, cradling her sleeping kid.

_"Santana?"_ She said when she looked at me and then she ran a shaking hand through her hair._ "So you're the new neighbor? How can I possibly yell at you now?"_ I watched as she stomped her foot and tried to see behind me.

_"Um...hey...I am. Is this...I don't remember you living here."_

She smiled and shrugged.

_"That wasn't my apartment that I took you too...obviously, I couldn't bring you back to the same place that I kept my kid. That was my studio slash office space."_

_"Oh."_

_"Look, I'm sure that we can catch up later...now that we are neighbors...I just was wondering if you could not smoke on the fire escape? It's next to her bedroom window and I don't want her to have to breathe that."_

_"Shi-shoot...I'm sorry. I didn't realize that."_

_"It's okay, you didn't know...just...don't...please?"_

If this was anyone else, I would have just told them to fuck off but this girl...a girl whose name I still couldn't remember for the life of me...was a knockout.

From the moment that I met her and she took my hand in that club and then walked me home...I was smitten.

Even with her adorable look-like, clinging to her, I still saw her as someone who I could see myself being with.

Rachel needed space and I needed...well that was what I was trying to figure out...right?

* * *

She went to walk away and suddenly her name came to me.

_"Ari?"_

She turned back and smiled...did she realize that I had forgotten her name too?

_"You remembered."_

Yep...she knew.

I was so embarrassed.

_"Ma...where are we?"_ A small voice squeaked.

She looked at her daughter and then over at me.

_"I was just visiting our new neighbor...do you want to say hi to her, her name is Santana?"_

The little girl looked at me and rubbed at her big brown eyes before smiling.

_"Hi Ana, I'm Lydi."_ She said, sticking out her pudgy hand. _"I'm four...how old are you? Do you have any kids in there?"_

I took her little hand in mine and shook it tentatively, not sure how to give a kid a proper handshake.

_"Well Lydi, I'm 19 and I have no kids...not yet."_

_"Do you like kids?"_ She asked, now wide awake and staring at me with a serious expression.

Her mother was so amused that she didn't stop the interrogation that was taking place.

_"Well I like you so far, does that count?"_ I asked, feeling nervous all of a sudden.

Why did it matter if this kid liked me?

Oh right...her mom was hot.

* * *

After a few more rapid fire questions, Lydi seemed to be drooping a bit.

_"Do you want to come upstairs while I put her to bed...maybe have a night cap?"_

I felt like a bowl of fucking goo, I didn't have to work until the next afternoon and so a nightcap sounded good...one glass of wine couldn't hurt...right?

_"Sure, let me grab my keys."_

She waited for me patiently while I grabbed my keys and locked my door before walking towards the stairwell.

I looked over at the elevator and then at her.

_"Stairways don't creep you out?"_ I asked, hoping that she would want to take the elevator.

_"Um...no. It's two floors and this building is pretty safe."_

I tried to swallow back my momentary panic, reminding myself that we weren't in Bushwick and then followed her to the stairs.

By the time we got to her apartment, I was sweating like a pig and gasping for air.

She didn't say a word, she just led me into her apartment and pointed towards the kitchen.

_"Why don't you head in there and get some glasses. I'm going to get her settled and then I'll be right out."_

I nodded and then wheezed my way into the kitchen.

What the hell?

* * *

_"You know if you had told me that you were so out of shape...I wouldn't have forced you to take the stairs."_ She snarked at me while filling up our glasses.

_"No...it's...I haven't been taking the best care of myself and I think my body is starting to retaliate." _

_"I can see that."_

_"I'm working on controlling my vices actually."_ I said, as I looked down at the glass of wine that she slid over to me.

_"Does that include wine because you don't have to drink that."_ She said as she looked at me, looking at the glass.

It was the first time that I didn't feel pressured to do something because of someone else, Ari looked genuinely concerned.

_"I want to drink it though...a lot."_ I said honestly as our eyes met.

Her glass was halfway to her lips but then she put it down and then grabbed mine.

_"How about we just have ice cream or something?"_

_"Are you sure?"_ I asked as I watched her meticulously pour the wine back into the bottle.

_"Positive."_

_"Okay..then."_

She put the glasses on the counter and then leaned against it...I could tell from the white knuckled grip that she had on the counter as she looked at me, that she wanted to do more than stand across the counter from me.

* * *

_"Can I be 100% honest with you?"_ She said with a weird look on her face.

I nodded and then braced myself for whatever she could possibly say to me.

_"I like you. I have from the first moment that I saw you leaned up against that wall looking like a super confident but very wounded puppy. That night, was the first time that I had opened myself up to another person since Lydi's dad died, he was driving drunk and killed four people including himself...I was a naïve newly married, eighteen year old who was only six months pregnant. So I understand vices a little too well."_

_"Wow...thank you, I mean...that's um...intense."_

_"Exactly, so if you want to be sober or do things a little different from how you have been, I can respect that. Being able to see your issues and taking the steps to fix them is a huge deal...it's something that Goli wasn't able to do." _

I watched as she scooped chocolate ice cream into two bowls and then took out a basket full of ice cream toppings.

Looking at her, there was no way that I could imagine her going through any of those things and she was insanely strong and that just made me like her even more.

This was just what I needed, she got me and it felt good to step outside my circle of friends.

I knew right then that I was right where I needed to be in that moment in my life and that felt better than anything I could have imagined a few days ago.

* * *

_**A/N: If you have read the trilogy...then you know who Ari is...and if you haven't...she's awesome! :) After writing Santana's daughter as Dani in the trilogy...it would be too weird here.** _


	9. Tomorrow

_**A/N: Thank you for your patience loves...all will be well. There's a little necessary roughness in this chapter. **_

* * *

**Tomorrow (John Legend)**

* * *

I walked home from my first shift at the restaurant, feeling exhausted but insanely happy.

After I had helped Ari clean up our ice cream dishes, we had settled in for a movie...but of course, since it was so late/early, we ended up falling asleep on the couch.

Thankfully, my bladder woke me up before Lydi woke up, something about her finding me sleeping on the couch, cuddling with her hot mom just didn't sit right with me.

I'm sure Ari appreciated that too.

When I returned back to my apartment, I was buzzing around even though I had barely slept and so when my new boss called and asked if I could come in earlier...I jumped at the chance.

So with a huge coffee in hand, I walked to work with an extra spring in my step.

**_Last night was fun-Ari_**

I smiled and nodded to myself as I entered the restaurant.

**_It was! :D Having a dinner party tonight, do you and Lydi want to join us?-Santana_**

**_With the old roommate?-Ari_**

**_Yep.-Santana_**

**_I'll pass on awkward dinner conversations, maybe we will stop by for dessert?-Ari_**

**_Sounds like a plan. At work, see you tonight!-Santana_**

* * *

I think that I cleaned my apartment fifty times before Rachel and Kurt finally showed up with a bottle of wine and mini quiches.

_"Hey roomies!" _I said before pulling them both in for a huge hug.

My euphoria still hadn't disappeared but then as I was hugging them, I saw someone, who I definitely hadn't invited, just behind them.

Rachel pulled back and smiled really huge.

_"Quinn's here, she is in town for a conference and I invited her since I know you haven't seen each other since what...Valentines?"_

My heart dropped...how had news of me and Q hooking up not made it back to Rachel yet?

Quinn looked at me and smirked...this was not the time to have no scruples...

I waved at Quinn and then turned to Kurt,

_"What do you have for me?" _I asked as I reached for the wine bottle.

Kurt looked at Rachel and then at me.

_"Quinn brought this actually." _

Well thank God for Quinn...right?

I knew though, that drinking was definitely a bad idea.

At that moment, I was really glad that Ari had turned down dinner, it would have been seriously awkward.

Fuck my life.

* * *

Dinner was a disaster...well for me anyway.

Quinn was on her best behavior which made me nervous and Rachel was oblivious to the tension between me and the ice queen.

Kurt though, sensed it all and kept looking at me and Quinn with a raised eyebrow.

We had made it through salad and were headed for the main course when things turned sour.

_"So Rachel, how are you coping since Finn?"_

Kurt and I both whipped our heads towards Quinn.

_"Seriously, Q? How is that dinner conversation?"_ I snarked.

_"I second that!"_ Kurt followed up.

She shrugged nonchalantly and took a sip of her fucking wine like it was no big deal.

I looked over at Rachel and could see that her head was down and she was taking deep, measured breaths.

She wasn't over him...it stung but I was giving her space even if I just wanted to squeeze all of the pain out of her...that wasn't what she wanted.

Of course, there hadn't been too many reminders of her lost love in New York...until tonight that is.

_"Rach?"_ I said as I reached out for her hand but she just shook her head and dropped her hand into her lap.

Kurt put his arm around Rachel and then glared at Quinn.

I watched as he whispered in Rachel's ear and she seemed to relax a bit.

_"San...can I talk to you alone?"_ Quinn said as she refilled her glass. _"It should only take a second."_

If I hadn't been so pissed about what she had done, I would have seen that this was all part of her plan but I was angry and I was going to use this opportunity to tear into her.

* * *

_"What the hell is your problem, Q?"_ I snapped.

I watched as she twisted the lock on my bedroom door and then put her wine glass down beside my bed.

_"Problem?"_ She purred.

_"Why did you just do that to Rachel?"_ I practically yelled.

And that's when she threw herself at me.

Her lips attached to mine as her hands shoved back my shoulders.

In no time she had me pinned back on the door, knee between my legs and my hands pinned above my head.

And I fought like hell.

But, in my current out of shape state, I wasn't a match for her...especially since she had just started on the crew team this semester.

_"Get off, Q."_ I growled but she just held tighter as she bit my bottom lip, drawing blood. _"The fuck, Lucy! Get off!"_ I yelled this time.

She kissed me harder and then licked the blood off of her lip.

_"Why should I?"_ She asked with a sickly sweet smile.

_"Seriously?"_ I looked at her in shock.

_"How long have you been fucking Rachel?"_ She asked with a note of hurt in her voice.

I rolled my eyes.

This wasn't even about me...I should have known.

_"Just as long as I have been fucking you...sometimes, one right after another."_ I said with a smirk.

And then the slap came...I hadn't even realized that she was pinning my arms with just one freakishly strong hand.

My cheek stung as tears met the corners of my eyes.

_"After tonight...that won't be happening anymore."_ She said as she trailed her free hand down my body.

_"Fuck you, Fabray...you have no say over who she's with or who I'm with."_

_"I beg to differ."_

Fear crept over me as a cold look took over her face.

The ice queen.

* * *

Quinn knew my buttons...she knew what turned me on and how to make me scream.

I think that is the only way that I can explain the groan that left me when her fingers danced over my clit and traced around my entrance.

_"Fuck...Q."_ I whispered as she bit my neck, still holding me tightly to the door, I was going to have bruises for sure.

And then there was the knock at the door.

_"San?"_ Rachel squeaked at me.

_"Go home, Rachel."_ Quinn said rudely.

I opened my mouth to defend Rachel and Quinn used the opportunity to slam her fingers into me.

_"Oh God!"_ I groaned.

_"I'll just go then. Thanks for dinner, Santana."_ Her voice broke off at the end and then a few moments later, the door slammed.

Tears finally leaked from my eyes as Quinn continued to fuck me.

I had given up the fight and so she released my hands, knowing that I wouldn't move.

What's even worse was how she wrapped her arm around me, in a half hug and kissed my face tenderly as she brought me to my orgasm.

_"Why?"_ I sobbed out as I looked up into her eyes.

_"I don't like to share."_ She said as I came undone.

* * *

_"Wait...so she pretty much raped you?"_ I sat there crying into my hands as Ari stood in the doorway of my bedroom whisper yelling.

I shrugged as I cried into my hands.

_"That's a bit...harsh...I don't know...I just feel...so...dirty."_

_"Dirty? Hold on...that night...in the club...was this the same girl that had you all emotionally fucked up like that?"_

I looked up at her and nodded with my lips trapped between my teeth.

_"So what, she fucked you and then just left you?"_

I nodded again and then broke down into more sobs.

_"And what did Rachel have to say about it? I mean...she's your endgame...right?"_

I looked up at Ari in shock and she just rolled her eyes and smirked.

_"What? You didn't think I'd notice? I could see it that night at the club...she's in love with you and you are in love with her. You're taking space to figure out what you want. I get it...When I met Goli in high school, I was a freshman and he was a senior. We were in different places in our lives...we broke up but we knew what our endgame was. He went off to the military and when I was about to graduate, we got together again. So I could recognize this stupid break shit immediately. I think sometimes, that if Goli and I had stayed together, he wouldn't have been a drunk."  
_

_"It wasn't your fault."_

_"I know...yadda yadda this is not about me...this is about you, baby cakes...if you love her then grow with her not without her. Why wait? I mean you're in the same city for Christ's sake!"_

_"She just lost her Goli a month ago...that's why." _I deadpanned_._

_"Then help her through it...hold her, when she's ready...she will know she can depend on you. Don't let love slip away. I mean...you do love her...right?"_

I wiped at my face and looked at her in shock.

_"I love her." _I admitted._ "I don't think that matters anymore though." _I whispered.

Ari came and knelt in front of me, she looked up into my eyes and wiped at my tears.

_"Hey...why don't you call her and talk to her...or I will...either way, you need to let her know what really happened."_

I sighed and nodded.

_"You're right."_

She smiled and then stood to her feet.

_"Good and hey, I'm proud of you for not drinking tonight...I think you are really going to get your shit together."_

_"Yea?" _I said as I reached for my phone.

_"Definitely...and I'll be here if you need me. Lydi is still asleep in the other bedroom, so I'm going to clean up dinner. Call her."_

_"Thanks Ari." _I whispered as I hit Rachel's number.

_"Anytime."_

* * *

I swallowed back my tears and waited patiently for her to answer...or course...she wasn't going to make it easy for me.

**_Hear me out...please?-Santana_**

My foot bounced up and down as I waited for a response but none came.

I sat there for a whole hour before I sent another message.

**_You don't have to forgive me but please don't hate me.-Santana_**

This time around, I didn't wait to be rejected, I just walked out into the kitchen.

Ari was still washing dishes and humming to herself.

_"She isn't responding." _I croaked out on my way to the bathroom._ "I don't know what else to do."_ I said, as I stood there and cried like a wuss. Ari looked at me for a long moment as I held onto the door knob to the bathroom.

Finally she nodded to herself and made her way over to me.

I sighed when she put her hands lightly on my shoulders.

_"Look at me." _She whispered.

I brought my eyes up to meet hers and immediately dropped them again.

_"Fine...don't look at me...but here's what's going to happen. You are going to go take a really long shower, get cleaned up, scrub yourself raw if it makes it better and then you are going to come back out here and we will figure it out together but nothing is going to be solved with you like this. Got it?"_

_"Why are you doing this?" _I mumbled.

A wry smile took over her lips as her eyes got dreamy.

_"Because, nothing should stand in the way of true love..you can't put love on hold...it either is or it isn't. Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us...trust me."_

I rolled my eyes.

_"Okay guru. Me and Rachel might be different though...who's to say that this isn't just infatuation?"_

_"Bullshit..you wouldn't be feeling like this if it wasn't love, now please take your sorry ass into that shower and don't come back out here until you feel better." _

* * *

I stood under the water and slowly ran my hands over my body.

Quinn had been holding me so tight that my arms were starting to bruise a bit and from what I could see from the vanity mirror, I had a massive bite mark on my neck and one on my shoulder.

It was crazy to me that she had managed to make me feel not only powerless but like scum between her toes.

There was a knock on the door and then it cracked a little bit.

_"Hey Santana?"_ Ari said with her hand over her eyes.

_"Yea?"_

_"Lydi keeps crying for her teddy, I'm going to take her upstairs...call me when you are done...okay?"_

_"Thanks for everything Ari."_ I muttered before stepping under the water again.

_"Call me, bye!"_

The door closed and I let out a long sigh before soaping up my loofa again.

_"Can I help you with that?"_

I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard Rachel's voice.

_"Rach?"_ I whipped around and there she stood, in a towel looking both tragically sad and nervous.

_"Your friend called me from her phone and insisted that I listen to her before I hung up and so I did because I did not want to be rude to a stranger. She explained everything and I must admit that I didn't want to believe her but I just didn't think you would lie to her. Was I right?"_

_"I'm so sorry."_

She shook her head and crossed her arms over herself in irritation and I braced myself for her wrath...except, it never came.

* * *

_"I asked two questions...an apology is not the proper answer for either one of them."_

I held the loofa out to her and smiled softly.

_"You were right and yes, I would love it if you helped me get clean again.." I finally said as she climbed into the shower with me._

She nodded and then tsked to herself as she looked at the scratches on my body and the marks on my neck.

_"I just don't understand what happened tonight. Care to explain it to me?"_

I took a deep breath and just stood there for a moment, watching unabashedly as Rachel held my bruised wrist and scrubbed my arm with soap.

I could practically sees the wheels turning in her mind and I knew that even with her here like this...it wasn't a guarantee that this could be fixed but I had to try.

_"After I broke up with Britt, Q and I started to mess around starting on Valentines...she was the girl. The one that left these marks." _I pressed a finger to one of the stinging bite marks and then watched Rachel go stiff. _"We kept...hooking up and each time I felt worse about myself. After you and I started...I kept my distance from her...she didn't appreciate it."_

_"So this whole time...you have been screwing each other?" _She mumbled as she resumed cleaning my body, avoiding the especially sensitive areas.

_"Yes."_

_"So what was tonight?"_

_"I don't even understand it myself, she forced herself on me and I told her to get off but she seemed to enjoy what she was doing. She told me that she didn't like to share."_

Rachel looked up at me and then brushed her fingers along my cheek and then snorted to herself.

_"Yea, well neither do I. I want you to be mine. I am still grieving but I...I want this. I want you. Tell me that you want the same, still? That you are willing to wait for me."_

_"I still want you Rachel. Only you. I'm willing to wait...for however long it takes." _I whispered as a heat covered my skin. It was hard admitting how I felt out loud but it felt right.

I was rewarded with her amazing smile and then seconds later, her spicy sweet cinnamon lips.

She pulled back and looked at me with a twinkle in her eyes.

_"In the meantime, I'm going to kiss you again...is that alright?"_ I could see the vulnerability in her eyes.

_"It's always alright."_ I purred before leaning in and capturing her lips again.

Ari was right...it was stupid to wait this felt so much better.

Why put off the inevitable?

* * *

**_A/N: Now we can get to the good stuff! More soon!_**


	10. Who Do We Think We Are?

_**A/N: It's been awhile and I missed you chicas and so here I am. This chapter is more of a filler but more awesome stuff is on the way...**_

* * *

**Who Do We Think We Are? (John Legend)**

* * *

I wasn't sure how long I had been driving for, all I knew was that my heart was hurting as I made the drive to Connecticut.

The closer I got to confronting Quinn, the more it ached.

Even with Rachel and Ari mending me together...I just needed to see her, I needed her to fucking explain her actions.

Never before had Quinn been so aggressive with me unprovoked.

What changed?

I had to know where all this had come from and if she didn't have an answer for me...then I was just going to continue to Boston after beating her ass.

My head was full of a million different ways to knock Quinn down a few pegs and it took everything in me to stay focused on my inner rage.

Rachel had really gotten to the rational side of me lately and I was finding it hard to maintain my anger without reason seeping in.

It was utterly infuriating.

My phone kept buzzing in my pocket but I just ignored it as I blew smoke out the window because I knew who it was.

I knew that I had been working on my own demons, working on seeing the reason in all of this but after Rachel left my apartment...I couldn't sleep because nothing was adding up, nothing was making any fucking sense to me.

I'm certain that if I had called Rachel, she would have given me a million different reasons that I hadn't thought of but I didn't want to call her because I didn't want to see reason...Quinn didn't deserve that.

I told myself that not calling Rachel was for her because she had gone on and on about her early call time the next day and so I was being chivalrous by not wanting to bother her, so instead, I had just gotten dressed...filled up on gas and cigars before I started to drive.

By my calculations, I could be to New Haven and back before I met Rachel for dinner the next day.

With Britt or even Quinn...that would have worked...

Rachel though, knew me better than I had ever given her credit for because my phone just kept right on buzzing.

* * *

By the time that I finally got to New Haven, the sun was just coming up.

My head was clearer despite all the smoke that was clouding the inside of the car, seeping into my hair and my clothes just the same.

For some reason, despite my denial of being rational, the clearer my head got...the more reason began to seep in against my will and that's when I realized that if Quinn had been in New York the previous night because of some conference...that it was entirely possible that she was still there.

And if that was true, I had wasted a bunch of gas and time.

What had I been thinking?

I couldn't just go barging onto her campus looking for answers if she wasn't even there to deal with my sneak attack.

And so finally, I parked on the side of the road and decided to look at my phone.

My suspicions had been right.

Six missed calls and a bunch of texts...all from Rachel.

* * *

_**I'm on my way back to your apartment, I got home and just didn't feel right about leaving you alone.-Rachel**_

And then there was a call from her...and then another one before she texted again.

**_I knocked on your door but I don't think you're home.-Rachel_**

And then she called again before following up with a text.

_**You should keep your spare key in a safer place, we aren't in Lima anymore. ;)-Rachel**_

_**Where are you?-Rachel**_

An hour went by before the next phone call and then three texts in a row.

**_Santana?-Rachel_**

Two more calls and then she must have figured it out.

_**Please tell me that you aren't going to New Haven.-Rachel**_

_**She isn't even home!-Rachel**_

_**Are you okay?-Rachel**_

* * *

_**I'm on my way to Boston. I'm sorry.-S**_

Her response was immediate.

_**Please come home?-Rachel**_

I was so angry with myself for getting to this point again and so I threw my head back and lit up my last cigar, waiting for what I knew was coming...

And she didn't disappoint.

My phone rang and I took a deep drag.

The pain in my lungs was nothing compared to the ache in my heart.

I let out a breath and then, just as my phone was about to go to voice mail, I answered.

My heart got impossibly tighter when I heard the hitch in her voice.

She had been crying.

Good going, Lopez.

_"Please don't cry."_ I whispered.

_"Then don't make me cry!"_ She shrieked.

* * *

I sat staring at the road ahead of me and took another drag from my cigar.

_"I'm sorry."_ I said as I tried to quietly let the smoke out but that was impossible at this point.

_"Great...and you're smoking! Are you drinking too?"_

What started as a shriek, then fizzled out into a whimper and I felt like shit about it.

_"No. I'm not drinking. I'm done with that. I promised you."_

Her bark of laughter made me feel like tearing my hair and my heart out.

I hated being laughed at.

_"What are you going to do in Boston? Does Brittany even know that you're coming? Do you realize how freaking selfish this is of you? You just can't let her move on...can you? Of course not because you're scared!"_ I sat there in the car, listening to her unleash her anger and just quietly smoked my cigar. I knew Rachel and if I wanted to get out of this with her still in my life, I had to let her have her say, rhetorical questions and all. _"Here's some food for thought since you can't seem to think for yourself...this ambush of Brittany is tantamount to Quinn's ambush on you last night, so you need to think long and hard about which direction you are headed in Santana."_

I was stunned into silence.

What was I supposed to say to that?

I wasn't used to the person that I was seeing holding me accountable, not like this.

So I turned to my fallback emotion.

Anger.

* * *

First though, I made it a point to loudly flick my lighter as I dug through my ashtray and found an old cigarette, half smoked.

Score.

_"You know what, Rach?" _Pause to light the end of the cigarette before inhaling_. _Wait for her growl of irritation..._ "I may..." _Big stream of smoke in and I was calm again. _"I may not know what I'm doing right now but you making me feel like shit about it, while I'm feeling this vulnerable...is not okay. I don't fucking appreciate it. I don't care how right you are...I don't deserve this."_

She sighed and then I heard the sound of running water.

A stress bath...I was obviously making her life hell.

_"You're right." _She sighed.

_"Of course I am."_ I huffed, glad that I got my point across.

_"Consider this the last time that I care."_

I dropped my cigarette in shock and nearly burned myself.

_"Are you fucking serious?"_ I muttered while saving my clothes from being set on fire, Rachel though took it a totally different way.

_"I'm absolutely serious, Santana." _She whispered.

* * *

If it were Quinn or even Brittany, the call would have ended with them hanging up but this wasn't either of my former flames...Rachel was a completely different kind of person.

She continued to take her bath, gently humming to herself and occasionally mumbling her lines.

I knew that she waiting out my stubbornness and it made me even more anxious.

And so I hung up...severing the line of communication further by shutting off my phone and taking off onto the highway.

What more could I do?

She was right...who did I think I was to bring Britt into this...truth was...I didn't know where I was headed anymore.

Which scared the shit out of me.

* * *

**_A/N: There you have it...words?_**


	11. Open Your Eyes

_**A/N: I had a general plan for this story when I started it...and then it became this and I got bored. Imagine that, it may be a first? That being said...I'm working to put this puppy to bed. Thanks for the love, chicas! :)**_

* * *

**Open Your Eyes (John Legend)**

* * *

_**Can we talk?-San  
**_

_**Big exam. Just fix it.-Britt**_

_**Now. No excuses. I give u my blessing.-Britt**_

_**Ugh. Thanks. Good luck on your test!-San**_

I sat on the side of the road, somewhere along I-95, trying hard to figure what to do. My first instinct was to call Rachel but I knew that I couldn't...I had to figure this out on my own.

My stomach grumbled and my head ached almost as much as my heart.

I felt like a pathetic waste of space and I hated myself for it.

* * *

_**Where are you?-San**_

A call came in a few minutes later.

_"Hey."_ She said as if things between us were okay.

_"Where are you?" _I asked again, allowing my cool anger to push me forward without being cordial.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and leaned my head against my steering wheel.

_"Somewhere between Fairfield and Bridgeport, I'm halfway home."_

_"I need to see you. I'm just...I drove all the way to New Haven on a fucking whim and was almost at your dorm before I realized that you were probably still in New York."_

_"Yea?" _She whispered in that cool, nonchalance that she always put on when she was anxious.

I was making her nervous and that had been my intention.

Quinn was like a complex explosive, you had to handle her with just enough care...I knew her better than she liked to admit but she could probably say the same about me.

Just because I was nice didn't mean that she was in the clear and she knew it.

_"Well I guess we will pass each other then..." _She trailed off.

_"Meet me?"_

She cleared her throat and I swear that I could see her begin to sweat.

I pulled out onto the road and began to drive towards her, knowing that I was on the other side of Bridgeport and we could definitely meet somewhere.

_"Ummm...Have you passed exit 31 yet?" _She finally sighed when she realized that I wasn't going to let this chance pass.

I looked at the signs and then saw the sign for the exit.

An exit that it was too late to turn onto.

_"I'm coming up on it."_

_"Okay...um...get off at exit 30, make a quick left and pull over."_

_"Don't send me on some wild goose chase, Q."_

She was silent but then sighed and let out a long burst of air.

_"I'm not...I...I fucked up, okay. I get it...just...I'll see you in a few minutes."_

* * *

I drove anxiously down the highway and tried my best to stay angry but after running the emotions in Quinn's voice through my head a few times, I found that I couldn't.

And so I did what I should have done in the first place.

_"Where are you?" _She said in a very hushed voice. _"I'm kind of indisposed."_ She whispered.

_"I know that you are at your callback. I just wanted you to know that I'm meeting Quinn to talk...and only talk before I head back home. I was wondering if you could come by my place after you're done...maybe for dinner?" _

I heard more hushed voices and then her mumbling to someone.

_"Quinn?"_ She sighed and I knew that it hurt her to hear that but I had to do this._ "San...I uh...I'm not-"_

Rejection was not something that I could deal with from her right now and so I cut her off before she had time to dissect this any further.

_"Look, the last few hours have been insane...I just need to see you, even if you're mad-"_

There was a sharp intake of breath and then the line cut out.

I wanted to call back and so I did and it went straight to her voice mail.

I tried not to take it personally but my eyes began to water as I pulled off of the exit and made my way down the ramp.

Fuck my life.

* * *

My head was so full of shit, that I had nearly driven right passed Quinn as she stood on the side of the road, smoking.

I parked behind her car and then climbed out, choosing to leave my phone behind as I approached her slowly while trying to keep my head clear.

It wasn't working.

She turned to look at me and I could see that she looked like hell.

Her hair hung limply around a pale face, she had bloodshot eyes, a scrunched brow and a red nose.

Despite all of that, she had dry eyes and a calm demeanor.

Quinn's ice queen mask was on but I could see how badly she had been since I had seen her the night before.

She was similarly inspecting me as I approached her.

I stopped just outside of punching distance because suddenly my reasoning was kicking in and I knew that hitting her wouldn't solve a thing.

_"Hey."_ She ground out.

_"Hi."_

_"Want one?"_ She said holding out a cigarette which I took gladly even though I knew that I didn't need anything else.

_"Walk with me?"_ She squeaked out.

I looked back at my car and then at her with wide eyes.

She thrust her thumb behind her, I looked over her shoulder and saw a cemetery...parking here must be a normal thing.

_"I won't get a ticket?"_ I asked, not really wanting to deal with any added stress.

_"You shouldn't but if you do...I'll pay for it."_

* * *

We walked among the headstones for a few minutes before we finally came to a clearing that just had benches.

Even in it's randomness, I could tell that Quinn had been here before but I didn't even want to know why.

Her levels of darkness go pretty deep and it creeped me out enough.

I followed her blindly, hoping this wasn't some set up to have me killed.

Of course it was ridiculous to assume that she could have known that I was meeting her but with her, I have learned to expect anything.

She gestured towards a bench and so I sat and then scooted over, expecting her to join me but instead she hovered there, above me...looking at her fingers.

I looked around again just to make sure there weren't any hit men and then trained my eyes on her.

She was fidgeting and that made me feel off.

I didn't like to see her like this...even if it was justified.

* * *

_"I had no right to do what I did to you."_

_"Damn, right you didn't." _I muttered as I tossed my cigarette to the side and blew out a stream of air, promising myself that it was my last.

All of the nicotine had me nauseous and made my head spin but I wasn't focused on it as much as I should have been.

Now though, with Quinn pacing in front of me, looking every bit as off kilter as she had been only a few times since I had known her...I didn't allow myself to think about how I was feeling.

_"And trust me when I say that Rachel made it abundantly clear last night and this morning just how fucked up I had left you. She said that I...broke you...which believe me, I thought was impossible but then...your friend called me...that Ari girl and it got to me."_

_"She called you?"_

_"Yea and after that, Rachel and I had a serious talk. She told me about you calling from New Haven and then reamed me out again. I got right on the road after that. Honestly...I didn't think you two were serious..." _

_"Even though I fucking told you?!"_ I snapped as I threw my hands out.

She looked at me for a long moment and then her eyes finally watered and she turned her eyes towards the sky. I hated to see her cry and normally I would have snapped at her to stop but in that moment, I sat there frozen as she fell apart before my eyes.

_"I thought...ugh..."_ She blew out a breath and then bit her lip.

_"Just fucking spit it out."_ I finally snapped feeling annoyed but seeing her fall apart like this meant that my irritation lacked heat.

This was just incredibly awkward.

* * *

She sighed and then looked at me fiercely, the gold in her eyes making her eyes look like they were on fire.

_"Open your eyes, Santana! I have...I had feelings for you, okay? I'm...I was jealous!"_

_"Jealous? Of what?"_

_"Ugh! You were supposed to be with me. We were the trinity. You and Britt were finally fucking over. I finally had a chance and you went off and chose her! You picked Rachel 'Manhands' Berry over me."_ She shrieked before wiping angrily at her eyes.

_"Q...I..."_ I finally stood to my feet and reached for her but when she looked at me with those eyes looking so vulnerable, I faltered. _"I love you still. I always will...it just would never work between us."_

_"Why not?"_ She whimpered weakly and for a moment I felt sorry for her but after standing and shifting just a few inches...I remembered the pain she had inflicted on me.

I remembered the hurt look on Rachel's face and it made me furious.

This wasn't about my fucking hurt pride...this was about Quinn, once again deliberately hurting people for her own sadistic enjoyment.

I had, had enough.

* * *

_"Because Quinn...despite your pregnancy and making a seriously adult decision to give up Beth. Despite being paralyzed for five seconds and falling to the bottom of the hierarchy of life. Aside from our hot, flawless sex in February...you are still the same selfish, self-serving, crude bitch that you have always been. You think way too highly of yourself and the moment anything hurts you...you crumble. It's fucking pathetic. I'm it for you...think about it...I have been your only true friend behind closed doors. Sure people said they were there but really it was me who held you up. I've got your back, your front...your sides...I was always at your sides...now though...I'm looking out for me. Your reign of terror in my life and the lives of those I care about is done."_

She sucked in a breath.

_"San..."_

I held up my palm and shook my head.

_"No...you need to understand that all that high school, mean girl bullshit is over. Grow up it's getting old."_

_"I..."_ She trailed off again and I rolled my eyes.

_"Look, Q...from here on out, I'm taking care of me and mine. You are the one that needs to open their eyes...you won't find this love you are looking for until you start to value other people. Look at the other side of things, walk in other people's shoes...it can't be Finn and Sam and Puck and Rachel and Brittany and Shelby and me...it's you babe. You are the reason that nothing is right in your life. And for the record, nothing about you and I together, was healthy. Every time we fucked...I left you and got drunk and high, trying my best to feel something. I hated myself after awhile...it wasn't fun or easy anymore because you made me feel like a whore. Rachel makes me feel like I'm worth something."_

She stood there, fish faced and pale as I tore into her with reckless abandon.

I had expected her walls to shoot up after I finished tearing her down but she slumped down onto the bench, reversing our positions as I stood there watching her as she buried her face in her hands.

Her sobs reached my ears and I felt compelled to walk away, compelled to leave her there in that cemetery, all alone but I was a better person than I used to be.

Be the change you want to see...right?

* * *

By the time that I got back to New York, I was emotionally exhausted and smelling to the high heavens of smoke.

I still wasn't sure if Rachel would show up but I knew that if she did...I wanted to be ready for her because as emotional as my day had been, I knew that it wasn't over.

The water pounded on my back as I took a scalding shower.

My head was almost blissfully empty but with the exception of Quinn.

She was my best friend...had been for an eternity, it seemed and so I knew that I wanted to have made an impression and as I thought about the way that I had cradled Quinn for over an hour as she cried, I think that I may have.

She had confessed her entire soul to me and I, in return, had given her my all, I even said all of the best friend things that I felt necessary to get her back in her car but something told me that was as far as I could bend for her.

We both were vulnerable right now and we both knew that anything past those shared tears was probably not wise.

Our friendship would probably pick up again after a while but for now, we needed this space from each other. She had a life to live and now she knew that it was up to her how she lived it.

I made sure to tell her that I loved her and hug her extra tight before I watched her pull off until her car was just a dot in the distance.

My body had been so full of emotions that I had literally just sat there for another hour just getting my emotions together.

Another chapter was closed and now I could focus on what was in front of me.

Never before had I been so grateful that Rachel wanted to take things slow because now...so did I.

* * *

I stayed in that shower until it ran cold and then forced myself to get out, get dressed and get through.

And when I stepped out of my bedroom a little while later, dressed and much more relaxed and Rachel was sitting on the couch looking at me with a guarded expression...it was like nothing else existed.

Her smile lit up my entire world and I was finally feeling light again.

She stood to her feet and approached me tentatively.

_"I'm gonna-"_ She began to say but I surged forward, burying my hands in her hair and pressed my lips against hers.

Her body wasn't stiff, not even for a second as she molded herself to me and smiled into the kiss.

Right then, right there...everything made sense and nothing hurt.

It's all that I needed...nothing else mattered.

* * *

**_A/N: Epilogue to come. :)_ **


	12. The End of All Things

**_A/N: This is the end of things. :) Thanks for taking this journey with me. Better or worse, you stuck by me and I really appreciate that!  
_**

* * *

**The End of All Things (Panic! at the Disco)**

* * *

_"Do I make you happy?"_

Light blinded me along with her words, which hit me hard as she opened up the blinds.

_"What time is it?"_ I groaned as I rubbed at my dry eyes, I had been working long nights for months and she knew that.

_"Noon."_ She said quietly, as she shuffled around our bedroom seeming to just hover around the bed more than necessary but I was way too tired to care.

_"Wake me in a half hour?"_ I grunted before burying my face in the cinnamon scented sheets and attempting sleep again._  
_

_"Ummm...okay?" _She squeaked out, the pain in her voice was evident but I was too selfish to take better notice._  
_

_"Thanks."_ I yawned and then smiled at her, with my eyes still closed.

She huffed and began storming around the room but I allowed sleep to start taking me under instead of figuring out whatever the mini crisis was today.

I rolled onto my stomach and pulled the blankets up over my body, trying my best to shield myself from anymore questions.

Even though I was successfully falling into the deep and dark dream world that I craved, my ears were very much alert and listening for the barrage of questions that I had become accustomed to.

Except...the questions didn't come.

After two years of dating, it seemed improbable that the questions would ever end but right now, instead of them coming at me swiftly and without pause, I heard the door slam just as I was falling asleep and it jerked me awake so violently that my heart was pounding as I sat up.

Rachel was obviously upset with me and I had done nothing to assuage her fears or doubts and I was a fucking asshole for doing it.

From what I could tell, we were fine but apparently, I was very wrong.

* * *

I sat on the freshly made bed, tucking into a bowl of cereal and watching cartoons on my laptop when Kurt padded into the room, looking more pink than his usual pale.

_"Sup Hummel?"_ I said around a mouthful of milk and Cinnamon Chex.

_"Gross...swallow."_ He grumbled before sitting on the edge of the bed and closing my computer screen.

_"Wanky."_ I winked before putting my bowl down on the nightstand...he never came to me like this unless it was serious and so I wasn't going to ignore him.

_"You never change."_ He said as he picked imaginary lint from the bedspread. _"Like ever."_

The note of sadness in his voice wasn't lost on me.

I sighed and then pulled Rachel's pillow into my lap before burying my face in it.

Kurt knew what Rachel was upset about and I was hoping that if I kept my snarky comments to myself that he would just say what was wrong so that I could fix it.

Like always but that didn't happen.

He continued to pick at the bedspread and from what I could see, he was looking a bit lost.

_"Kurt? Talk to me...please?"_ I whispered.

_"I wish Finn were here."_ He whispered and I swear that hit me right in the center of my chest, like a fucking linebacker.

_"It's that bad?"_ I asked, suddenly feeling desperate.

He finally looked at up me and as soon as I saw the look in his eyes, I wished that he hadn't.

* * *

_"She's not happy anymore, Santana. This isn't working for her...she never...dealt with his death. Not like she should have and you guys got together six months after. Say what you will about him but he took care of her, he catered to her. He was selfless when it came to her because she was his person."_

I could feel the tears coming but I bit them back as my throat tightened.

_"How can I even compete with that? I mean...I go out...s____o what...I'm young and it's not like I'm married."_  


He sighed and pulled my hand into his lap.

_"That's just the thing...she hasn't required that of you. She has given you all of the space and time that you both needed but it just seems like after two years...things should be different. You work all day and night, you go out drinking with your friends and sometimes don't come home. Is she not worth a true commitment from you?"_

_"I'm committed! Just because I haven't hired a fucking marching band and proposed doesn't mean that I'm not committed to her, to us!"_

_"The point is that she's tired of fighting with you...I mean...do you even love her anymore?"_

I yanked my hand back as if I was stung and wiped angrily at the tears sneaking out of my eyes.

_"Why is that even a question? None of this makes any sense! I love her more than I have ever loved anyo-"_

He held up his palm and shook his head.

_"Don't...you know that's not true."_

I dropped my head and didn't fight the tears this time.

_"Kurt...I..."_

The sound of the door sliding open stopped me mid thought.

Rachel was home.

_"Love her or leave her...just decide. I can't live like this anymore and neither should she."_ He hissed before standing up and blocking the view of the curtain opening.

I wiped quickly at my face and then turned towards the window.

How could I deal with this?

With her?

* * *

It was the same argument that we had been having for months now and so it didn't surprise me that it was coming up again, this time from her best friend.

There was no way that I could compete with a ghost but Kurt was right, she never asked me to.

Why now though?

Things began to click...months of missed hints and frustration coming from her.

It had been two years today...it would have been their wedding anniversary if Quinn hadn't crashed.

Was she regretting being with me...regretting us?

Did she want to get hitched?

Is that what she had wanted all of this time?

And if marriage was what she needed...I wasn't sure I could give that to her.

Because if I was honest with myself, I wasn't sure that I was head over heels for her like I should be.

* * *

_"Santana?" _

By the time that I looked up at her, my face was drenched in tears and I had a bad case of the hiccups.

_"No...just...I'm sorry." _I squeaked out before jumping from the bed and throwing myself at her.

I could tell from the stiffness of her body as I gave her a bone-crushing hug, that this was the last thing that she expected.

_"Santana...please just...stop." _She whispered as she pushed gently at me.

I began peppering her face with kisses.

_"I'm sorry for being so distant. I'm sorry for everything...I'm just so sorry." _I muttered in between kisses with all the sincerity that I possessed.

_"Please..." _She whispered_._

I was about to kiss her lips when she turned her face and like a bucket of ice water had been tossed on me...I got the gist.

When I took a step back, I could see that her eyes were like ice and the emotional Rachel that I had expected wasn't looking back at me.

It was like looking at a complete stranger.

_"Rac-"_ I started to say something, anything to fix what was going on but she held up her hand and shook her head.

_"Don't...this morning...that was your chance to talk right now, it's mine. I need you to respect that."_

* * *

I slumped down onto the bed and buried my sweaty palms between my knees as I looked up at her.

_"Whatever you need, Rachel."_

She was momentarily hesitant, my agreement was really a rare thing.

I guess, I really had been standoffish with her lately.

She recovered a moment later though.

_"I can't do this with you anymore. It's been two years of fighting to be together and it shouldn't be so hard. You are still doing odd jobs, not really finding a door to stick your foot through after that disastrous string of commercials that you did, you just gave up. It's like you are okay with doing nothing with your life. I can't be behind that."_

_"So what...just like that you decided we're done? What happened to the Rachel Berry that doesn't quit?_" I shrieked and when she turned the ice on her glare up a notch.

_"Did I say this was over?"_

_"Okay, you know what...lets just cut the crap. Why don't you just get to the point then, Rachel?" _I finally snapped at her, feeling like she was just fucking with my emotions at this point.

She wanted to be cold...that was fine...I could deal with that.

_"I just want to be like everyone else. I want love...I want romance. Dinner dates and outings together. Think about it...when was the last time that we did something as a couple?"  
_

She had a point and so all I could do was nod along in agreement.

_"You're right." _

_"Of course I am."_

_"So where do we go from here? Do you want to keep trying or is this it?"_

_"You already know the answer to that, you knew before I walked in the door just now. Call me crazy...but I think we both knew this wouldn't last, there has to be a reason that you spend most of your time here but have continued to pay for an apartment that you barely use. Think about it."_

_"I can be romantic...I can break my lease...I can do all of those things...I can be what you need."_

_"You can...anyone can but do you really want to?"_

* * *

Arms circled my waist as I stood at the sink washing dishes.

My body molded into hers and I felt like it just all worked perfectly.

_"Mmm...thanks for tonight."_ I whispered as I pressed a kiss to her temple._  
_

_"My pleasure." _She purred before pulling at my hips until I was facing her, trapped between the sink and her bare midriff.

_"I bet."_ I chuckled and then she leaned in and she kissed me long and hard.

Butterflies were at war in my stomach and fireworks went off in my chest.

This was love, this was romance, this was everything that only a small amount of people in my life had shown me.

_"You know...I'm happy for her and I'm happy that you agreed to hold my hand through it all."_

She smiled and then kissed me once more before pulling back.

_"No problem, S."_

Her eyes dropped to my neck and then looked back up at me.

_"What is it?"_

She blushed and then rolled her eyes.

_"I was wondering if you knew...like even a small amount that this was going on between them?"_

_"Looking back on it...I should have known but I just saw what I wanted to see. The jealously and the pain was always there. I had hinted at it before in jest but never did I think that it would happen."_

* * *

I sat on my big porch swing, looking out over the front lawn and I felt a calm settle over me.

_"Penny for your thoughts?"_ She rasped in my ear and I felt a shiver run through me.

_"I think I'm ready to start a new life...come here."_ I said as I put my feet flat on the porch and stopped the swing.

Her curly brown hair was swept in the wind as she stepped in front of me.

I watched her lips as a small smile took over her face.

_"You know...I'm not like Rachel or Quinn or any of them. I don't want all the movie shit or the romance-"_

I pressed my finger to her lips and then shook my head.

_"Don't. You don't have to tell me those things...I know you intrinsically. Before with other people it took an effort for me to make it work. With Britt...it was new and fresh but as soon as I was away from her...I realized that I was in love with idea of her. It was puppy love and then after her...it was just a series of me trying like hell to make something stick. Rachel was going on and on about what she needed and my first instinct was to roll my eyes because seriously...this isn't a fairy tale, its real life. When things ended for good and I moved here...I was a fucking wreck...and you picked me up off the ground and slapped some sense into me."_

_"Literally." _She said with an eye roll and a gentle slap to my cheek. I covered her hand before it could leave my face and then turned until my lips were kissing her palm.

I watched her eyes dance around as she absorbed the moment for what it was.

And then just as I expected, her face lit up and she smiled so hard that her eyes became little slits for moment before she leaned forward and kissed my nose._  
_

_"I still can't believe you slapped me."_ I smirked and she rolled her eyes again.

_"Yea well...you were miserable and I couldn't stomach a hot chick like you being a little punk, crying over some girl that you openly admitted to breaking up with in the first place. It was pathetic...I guess I intrinsically knew that you were better than that. And I was right."_

_"Yea you were."_

_"So am I right again if I say that you want this to be something real...something serious?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Even though it's been like eleven months?"_

_"Yes, the happiest of my life."_

_"Sap." _She said as she leaned into me, pulling my legs up until they sat around her hips.

Moments like this always took my breath away.

It was so us.

_"Never." _

_"Right...and you're not just saying this because your ex just married your best friend." _

_"No, God no...they deserve each other."_

_"And this isn't a marriage proposal right because I already told you-"_

_"I know...marriage is a forever thing and you don't know if you are ready for that..."_

_"Exactly...so tell me what you really want Santana Lopez."_

_"That's just it...I want us and all the shit that it entails. For the first time, I'm not scared of giving something my all. I don't want to do thing just because it's what I should be doing. Rachel was right all along, it should be easy and natural. I want this...all of it."_

Her lips crushed against mine as our bodies molded together.

I knew in that moment...as I walked into something with my eyes wide open that it was right.

* * *

**_A/N: I sailed a bunch of ships this past year and finally...in the end...I couldn't go off without letting Santana just be...happy._**

**_Adios, chicas! _**

**_-A_**


	13. Adore You

_**A/N: Something for you chicas...and its final just in case you had an issue keeping up. I love you guys...obviously...sheesh! ;P**_

* * *

**Adore You (Miley Cyrus)**

* * *

Growing up, I had always been the aggressor, always ready to be in charge and ready to step up and be in control but with her...things were different.

With her, I felt like I didn't have to put up a guard to protect myself, I didn't feel the need to be anything but myself at all times.

Months after I stood between her and Britt as Rachel and Quinn exchanged vows, I was still feeling like the luckiest woman on the planet.

A smile never left my face and if it did, it was never for long.

I was finally at the place that I needed to be and I was grateful for the people who had gotten me to this point.

Especially Rachel.

If it hadn't been for that wake up call of her having felt fed up with all of my shit, I would have never found Val.

Go figure, me falling for a girl named Valerie but maybe that was the master plan all along.

If fame was my mistress, then it was only someone like Val, someone who had felt that same pull of fame herself...that could handle everything that I was.

Everything had worked out how it was supposed to and I would be lying if I said that I wasn't happier than I had ever been.

That angry bitch that I always was had settled into just being witty and goofy.

My old friends barely recognized the person that Val had helped me to become and none of them seemed to mind.

Britt hugs me just as hard and laughs with me twice as much and as far as Quinn and Rachel are concerned...our trysts never happened.

It was like this love affair with Val was my rebirth and my undoing all at once and I didn't mind one bit.

* * *

We walked past the paparazzi with small smiles, her hand securely around my waist so we didn't get lost in the chaos, even in moments when they tried to get a picture of her or myself alone..her hands were never far from my own.

Her career had exploded and mine wasn't too shabby either, she acted and I sang...we both were in demand separately and together we made a lesbian power couple that was unstoppable.

It was hard to believe that it had been just a year and a half since I broke things off with Rachel.

My life was unbelievable...something dreams were made of.

I watched as she posed for the cameras and then looked over at me with a wink.

She made my skin tingle and I smiled back like a dope.

Against that smile, I was powerless.

I was starstruck still and I hoped that never changed.

_"Where's your head, S?"_ She whispered as we made our way to our table finally.

_"Just can't believe this is life."_

_"Still? S, it's been like eight months since you made the move to Hollywood, how can you not be used to this by now?"_

* * *

She pulled out my chair and then waited for me to get situated before she sat down for herself.

I rolled my eyes as she brushed my hair behind my ears and kissed my face.

_"The cameras..."_ I whispered as she pulled back.

_"Fuck the cameras...this is a special night."_

I looked around and realized that we were all alone at this part of the restaurant.

_"Is it?"_ I asked and she smiled and rolled her eyes.

_"Obviously...now shut up and let me show you just how special it is."_

_"You're so fucking charming...you know that right?"_ I said before winking.

_"Oh hush, S...you adore me and you know it."_

_"Mmm...full of yourself too." _

_"Sure am...now let me sweep you off of your feet. I need this to go well tonight."_

I felt my eyebrow raise and this time it was her that was blushing.

_"Proposing? Is the ring in the champagne or in the dessert?"_ I said, pretty confident that I already knew what this was.

Her eyes went wide and she looked like a guppy as her mouth hung open.

I pressed her jaw up with my fingertips and then leaned in for a kiss.

A flash went off as her lips pressed against mine.

Her cheek was against mine and she was whispering into my ear now.

_"Both in the champagne."_ She hummed.

I pulled away to look at her and I saw a waiter coming over with two flutes of champagne and big slice of cake.

_"Both?"_ I asked as he lowered the tray to the table.

She winked.

_"Obviously, you can't be the only one with a rock on her finger...you're proposing too Lopez. I took the liberty of shopping for myself while I picked out yours. You're welcome."_ She said with a wink before handing me my champagne flute. _"Now drink up sweets, I can't wait to wear that amazing ring you got me."_

_"How are you so sure that I'll say yes?"_

_"I have no doubt that you adore me...I also know that when you think of your forever...it's my face sitting across from you. Am I right?"_

_"Mmm..." _I said as I finished off my glass and felt the coolness of the ring as it hit my lip._ "Depends on the size of my ring." _

She held up a ring in plain sight of the cameras and smirked as the flashes went off.

_"Of course, sweets...will this suffice?" _She asked as I looked at the ring in my own hand...it was identical to hers._  
_

_"Obviously." _I said before I allowed her to slip the ring on my finger.

_"How about you? Ready to be my bitch forever?" _I asked and even though she had orchestrated all of this, I watched her eyes look into mine and then a small smile crossed her face.

_"Bring it on."_

_"Oh it's already been brought." _

* * *

_**A/N: Sappy ending...you're welcome. I adore you guys! **  
_


End file.
